The last musing

Tonight,
I’m sad.
Tonight,
I feel lonely.
My hands slipped in pursuit of yours,
There,
Where you no longer are.
I got to witness the happiest shade of white when we rambled on and roamed around, did I ever tell you that?
With you,
I felt the desperation in my soul taking the best of me, urging me to move away from those agonising anxieties.
And now,
As I imagine you being mesmerized by the beauty of those starry nights, lost in the song of some Nightingale that sings in a distance the tunes of tranquility,
Stroking the petals of daisies drenched in golden hues falling tenderly in that hour of twilight,
That the substantiality of your surrounds overshadows my incorporeality,
That you cannot hear the ethereal echoes alluding to our times over these hushed whispers about the screaming sinners.
In one of these impassioned nights like these, we allowed our souls to spill stories we had kept hidden inside for centuries, do you remember that?
We howled in inaudible murmers, about passions for poetry, hunger for freedom, the craving for being a part of something bigger than ourselves, expressed out fears about those forevers that flicker, wondering aloud if it was love that would fill this ceaseless abundance of nothingness.
And now,
As I find myself falling in that very abyss of emptiness,
The gap between my fingers seem interminable,
Your presence impalpable,
These tears that tear me apart vaporize and I wonder,
If at least they’ll find their way to you through the West wind,
If not my words or my love.
Tonight,
I feel lonely, and your absence seems inexplicable.
I know not how to survive this dearth that seems to remain,
I can only imagine you revelling over some reverie, over some ephemeral eclipse, as blossoms blood and fireflies glide in that stillness.
If my words reach you a little too late,
Please know,
That my despondence felt desperate,
Apprehensive at these anticipations,
That it wanted nothing but to be held and reminded of our promises, of us, craved for the touch of your hand against mine.
Know that you were the last dream of my soul,
And my last musing,
And muse.

Advertisements

Shelters

It just feels like,
I’m hiding in the shadows,
Sitting under the shelter of my blue study table,
Wishing for the wishing stars,
Wishing for you,
And I hear voices, all around,
It seems like the whole world is on fire,
And it looks like I forgot to lock the doors, the window panes are shattered, already,
And the device is draining,
And this room is devoid of electricity, of water, of everything
But
This devastatingly enormous void,
Which even fear cannot fill,
They’re burning all we’ve ever loved, all we’ve ever been,

All, to ashes,
And I’m frozen here,
With fear,
Anxious in agitation,
Annoyed at my own apprehensions,
How would you call me?
And would you, even ?
If your voice is locked up in this fearful night,
That has no ends,
No dawn awaiting our arrival,
.
Securing myself into seclusion,
This screaming solitude,
The inferno echoes,
Burns with these passions that nobody cares about,
As everyone just runs and runs,
Trying to add a few more moments in their lives,
Pleading guilty, pleading helplessness,
Howling for help,
.
Trembling in these terrors,
I don’t know my way out,
And it becomes harder to breathe, every second,
But I promised you that I’d survive,
I don’t know how to,
I don’t want to,

Another explosion,

Where are you?

Things I wish I had told you

One of those nights really broke me,
Did I ever tell you that?
I lay awake, thinking about things that seemingly arise from nothing and end up taking everything, and things that began at everything and ended up being absolutely nothing.
I walked around in the dead of night, not knowing what else to do, searching for some trail to follow, something that could bring me out of this phase, where things have just stopped making sense, where I’m just questioning almost every single thing that has ever happened.
At the end of the corridor I found this photograph, an attempt to preserve memories for eternity, I looked at it for a moment,
And haunting visions entered my mind.
Did I ever tell you that?
And right now,
As I’m walking on some familiar way, with these many thoughts, all of them so intense, that I somehow find myself unable to express any one of them,
I see this spot.
I remember this place,
This was where he breathed his last,
And all these years,
I’ve just told myself that I was his favorite, only now do I realise the incongruity of my happy pretences, we didn’t have enough time together for him to actually get to know me,
And, now, as I realise that,
I realise he’ll never really know how I turned out to be.
I didn’t know how to deal with this feeling six years back,
I don’t know how to deal with this feeling even now.
They never taught me that,
I think they never taught anybody that.
At the age of fifteen, when I had my first heartbreak, I did not know what to do, but I did know how to calculate the principal amount through compound interest,
Somehow they informed us to love all animals and about the number of injections one gets if bitten by the same animals, all in the same voice.
To this day, I’m afraid of dogs,
Even as I love them,
I’m scared of injections, hospitals, blood, fatigue,
Did I ever tell you that?
One of the major reasons why I’m so afraid of forevers is because I just can’t seem to believe that anybody would be willing to take that extra mile for and with me,
Did I ever tell you that?
And all those times,
In which i just went wrong, which just altered all the paths, changed everything, everything,
Much before I was ready,
I still don’t understand how that happened,
And I spend hours and hours circling names of people, trying to understand the meaning of this eternal sadness of the spotless mind.
And as this overwhelming darkness begins to take in it any of the light left around, and I’m just lying on the bed, because these brittle bones shiver, and I cannot feel my arms or my legs or anything, anything,
Numb to everything but this feeling, which is absolutely inexplicable, where there’s just so much pain, so much fear, so much helplessness, and you don’t know what to seek, what to do, how to get out of this, this abyss.
I almost walked on a flower today,
I felt like destroying something beautiful, something precious, something pure, hoping that someone would take notice, that maybe annihilation would be the way to achieve peace,
And this portrait of this lady just flashes in my mind who once told me that she thought I was beautiful and died much before I could tell her that I thought so too.
And I wish I could have told you,
How scared I am, of every passing second,
Because while every single moment is the beginning of something or the other,
The other moment is the end.
And this thought, it scares me, that maybe these words that I write to you,
This might be the last conversation we ever have.
Because that apocalypse, it’ll be here much before we anticipate it to be.
And neither religion nor science would save us then,
Maybe not even love,
And, when that moment comes,
What would we do then?
When everything will just sort of fall apart,
And it hurts me to think about all those things that’ll just never be,
All those caterpillars that will just never turn into butterflies,
And punching walls or wishing upon airplanes or counting stars would never stop that,
Starting at the sky would not make it easy,
Those words that we lick with such affection, I’m not sure if they’d survive either,
And this moment, no matter how it is, it’ll end up in a bunch of ‘..has been..’,
And all of our almosts will come back to haunt us,
And I wouldn’t be able to save you when it comes,
Because I don’t know how to survive myself,
So now
As the sky sheds water, and I tears,
I just wish to tell you that I’d be eternally grateful,
Always, because of the fact that you exist.
And I wish I could tell you how much I loved you, how much I love you,
But we were never taught how to do that either.
I wish i could tell you how ardently I wish to just seize our little infinity, and never, ever let it go.
I wish that this wind chime in my room understands my symphony,
Because I’m not sure if you ever will,
And these attempts at ranting or revelling will all go in vain,
As you’ll have to put me under the label of spam,
Which,
Is why,
I can only wish that I could tell you all these things,
Tell you when everything is fine and yet everything hurts, as the clock strikes thirteen and all the trains have left and all the places closed and,
There’s no space in the waiting room,
And nowhere to go,
That
I don’t know what to do.
And now,
As everyone prepares for the final day,
And the realisation that everything is going to collapse is finally taking in everybody’s mind,
And,
You’re somewhere in a far off city,
Miles away from where we used to be and even further from where I am,
And,
There’s no summoning charm to save us this time,
And everything is set to fall apart,
I can only ask you to run,
To save theeself,
As I choke on my own breath,
Trying to not let the ghosts of my unsaid words find their way to you,
Run and save yourself,
Please do,
Make it to the other side,
For your sake,
For the sake of those golden sunsets and flickering lights and magical nights and poetry books,
For the sake of those words that actually found their way to you.
While I’ll let my fears consume me and let my ashes dissolve in the stardust, hoping that you’ll make it, hoping that you’ll be happier.
.
And I took a sip of that hazelnut coffee

,

When you weren’t looking,

Back then,

.

I wish I had told you that.

No more reasons why.

So,
I guess all I want to say is,
That the next time,
You get an unexpected text,
Or an unanticipated call,
Or any abrupt attempts in making acquaintances,
Maybe not leave your device ringing.
Maybe not leave the person hanging,
Maybe,
Maybe listen, and not just hear the words that they say,
Find just a little time from your everyday marathons, and maybe decipher the actuality in their smiles,
Not everyone is strong enough to fight all of their battles on their own,
Pay a little heed to those times when they say, ‘.. I wish I had told you that..’
Just let them be,
When they say they feel this drowsing numbness in their bones, and that they feel that they cannot do it anymore,
Maybe revert to those emails or those postcards,
And maybe, some day,
Reply to that text,
There’s never too late to try and save a life.

And some people, they just measure their lives in coffee spoons and sugar cubes,
And they might be okay with those dozens of cups of coffee that turns cold,
While they wait,
Waiting for you to show up.
But honey,
There’s a chance that when the sun sets,
And they dim the lights to this cafe,
Asking them to step out of their comfort zone,
And stagger their way down the road,
And just go home,
There’s a high chance,
That,
They don’t have any home to go back to,
And now,
With no place to wait, no escape,
They might have nowhere to go,
None,
At all.

Crisis.

How do we escape this overwhelming sorrow that arises out of the simple monotony of everyday complications, this despondence that has the power to force you on the ground, on your all fours, as you howl like a maniac, silently, as your eyes try and try to search for something coherent in the darkness that surrounds you,

This loneliness that nobody can fulfill, this very weakness that you despise for wanting a human connection, as you scorn these ideas of togetherness and forevers, as you’ve been scorning them ever since you remember, because people leave, you don’t want them to leave, you cannot say anything to them, but you don’t want them to leave and they shan’t ever understand your silent nods of approval, as you’re dying slowly, bit by bit, you know this feeling, do you not?

When you’re so exhausted, you don’t want to, not anymore, and you cannot share this feeling with anyone, because they’ve got their own wars to fight, their own lot to handle,

You were good before, were you not? Living in a protective bubble of fantasies and everything nice in this world, but they forced you out,

Much before you were ready,

In this mad, very mad world, who’s just running in a race you’re supposed to run in too, you don’t understand this, and yet,

Where is the victory, where are the survivors, who would you turn to, for a 3 AM conversation, what would you do when you’d have a nightmare, where would you laugh at little success in your endeavors,

This sadness, it surrounds you,

Breaks you,

And you don’t even have the time to break apart, so you just hold on to everything you have, because exams are round the corner and everyone needs your help and wants you , anticipates you to stay happy for ever and ever and ever,

Not realising that you take forever to be a myth,

How do you stop this sadness from taking your soul,

How do you escape this,

How do you survive,

And do you, even?

Are we?

Have you ever felt so close, to feeling too much,that somehow, you stop feeling, everything at all,

All of a sudden,

Them numbing noises now narrate their nuances to this abyss of nothingness, narrowing down, further and further,

As you find yourself unable to theorize this traumatic tranquility,

as this never-ending anxiety agonises your very self,

While vacant seats register the presence of times that have been, good and bad, both,

And these memories scream over and over, over and over,wanting to bring back, all the lights we could see in the past, all the obscurities we’ve become oblivious to now, all the souls we are unable to save anymore,

As we run, and run and run, after time,

Begging, for just one more day, one single second more of eternal eventualities, hoping to lock this feeling called love for ever and ever and ever,

Foolishly believing that these faces, which rejoice in smiles and hugs that last for more than a few seconds, which scream in repugnance of pimples and overly dark circles, while wanting freckles, because, hey, They look cute,

Believing that they’ll stay this young, this new, this filled with exuberance, for another small eternity,

But we’re not young, not anymore, and we yell and scream and fight and howl of these uncertainties, these very real fears inside our mouths, inside our minds, because even as we talk about having all of the time in the world,

We don’t,

So, we don’t know what’s up with people we care the most about, what keeps them up at night, what do they like, because we’re all so busy fighting these battles, imitating millennials, perfecting these facades of fixed individuals,

Even as our dreams are shattering, and beliefs that were there before, are no more there,

We’re running, just running, and running,

Hoping to preserve moments, longing for forevers,

So sensitive to everything that we become asleep in our affections, afflictions, everything,

And those last rides, resonating of endings,

Those rides which probably deserve all our time, all our mind,

We take those last rides of togetherness, all alone,

With abandoned platforms, forsaken feelings, ever-increasing distances of damned despair, and empty chairs,

As those Gates shut in front of our faces, as them walls mock our desperate attempts of an acquaintance with always,

Tell me,

Are these seemingly normal moments indeed this normal, timeless as they seem, are our verses to go in vain, are we to succumb in this inexplicable infinity, a war of words, of world, doubting, putting faith still, because maybe that’s just something that humans do,

I don’t know, and cannot understand, really,

This feeling, of feeling too much,

Tell me,

Are we leaving already?

Apologies.

Label me heartless
For my heart hath been broken,
Irrevocably, insensitive to every thing that has ever been,
Label me speechless,
For my voice has been modified, taken for granted, as I counted my words, cautious of verses, of every syllable that I spill,
Because misunderstanding is a trend trending nowadays,
Label me hopeless,
For I see no ray of light in the radiating sunbeams, no peace of mind, no home, no reason, nowhere,
Label me guilty,
For I find myself imprisoned in my own inhibitions, my own battles, wars they don’t find worth fighting, seeking my own treasure, only it’s not there,
It’s nowhere,
Label me selfish,
For I found a moment of laughter to myself, for I didn’t get back to you after you made it clear, over and over again that you have kicked me out of our enterprise of togetherness already,
Label me harmful,
As you found a way to love me despite my monstrosity, my demonic grin bringing you some sort of pleasure, coercing you into chaos that I am,
And finding nothing enchanting in my sinister self but bricks, infinite walls of solitude and guilt, of broken beliefs and shattered dreams, of emptiness, nothingness,
And you going round and round, trying to search for places in my soul worth loving, worth your mighty metaphors, your self,
Label me apologetic,
For the numbing nothingness that screams in my soul,
Echoing of emptiness, eternal sadness, unsettling emotions, infinite rhetorics of inevitability, of transient transition, dropping daylight, of this dreadful dearth, this nothingness, nothingness.
Label me human,
With my follies, my faults, my facades,
Label me lost,
Forgive me for being a sinner,
For being me,
Forgive me
For being. 🍂