an explanation

;i find myself in the same state, again, wondering over the wondrous connections with human hearts, falling for the same words, the same sky, the same stars, like a vulnerable deer, waiting to be devoured, left at mercy of some force, hope, probably, or love is it ?

have i grown at all? or am i still the same, the eleven year old waiting desperately for a letter for a school of magic and illusion, the twelve year old scared and dubious, thirteen in love and longing, fourteen in madness, fifteen in motivation, sixteen in depression, seventeen in hope,

Perhaps them all, perhaps none, just eighteen and clueless, a bad student, haven’t learned anything worthy that might help heal, self, others, obsessed, possessive, scared, desperate, and yet, i live on,

“are you mad, you weirdo!” i hear all around, in a self-accusatory voice, you give and give and give, and you expect to get some back, you expect, you love, care, feel, think, cry over stuff nobody else cares about, watching them all break apart,families, friends, and souls, and the world,

what’s the difference, no end to your adolescent agonizing even yet, you push hard, strive, try, make it all work, feed their ego, forgive, accept, all in vain, succumb to silence afterwards, ain’t that easy, afraid, a coward, too scared, “what if i scare them away” , love is scarce, remind yourself, all in vain, you don’t listen to your self kiddo, or perhaps you do, maybe that’s the fault,

in souls and places you search for an escape, but places change, people leave, where do you think you’ll find something immortal, timeless, triumphant, you don’t know, why whisper? you read books, steal words and phrases, add on to them, call yourself a writer,  watch movies with happy endings, imagining your ‘happily ever afters’, calling yourself an optimist, you don’t talk to people, too chicken to act out, call yourself an introvert, ask them to leave, who care, shut doors on their face, call yourself lonely, spend all your time in a dark dungeon thinking and thinking some more, call yourself abandoned, listen to your friend’s pointless dramas, advice them the easy way out, turn them into a pushover, just like yourself, call yourself a listener, this is what you really are, a thief, a liar, a coward, and who are you going to put the blame on today?

why are you so afraid? are you a traitor to the country ? a disgrace? Are you a Faustus yourself? sold your soul to the demon, have you? you call yourself an artist, they know how to feel! perhaps you do too, but you are who you are, a coward, you laugh at your own self, cry at your own self, pity yourself, fantasize of happiness, over and over, over and over, over and over, and when it gets too much, you chicken out, you tie your shoelaces, run away, from people, from homes, you forsake those you love, have loved, then wander aimlessly out of sheer guilt and regret, look he’s coming back your way now, isn’t that him, your first love, what are you going to do? you chicken out before i can even ask, you hide yourself, and then complain, you  blame a part of your soul, “there’s a monster inside of me” no, my dear, you are the monster, you reek of demonic darkness, you are evil itself, you who have forgotten to take care of yourself, you put on your glasses when it’s all too blurry, pack your bags away when it gets too risky, coward, you stop talking, afraid they might get hurt, coward, stop sharing, afraid they might laugh, coward, stop taking chances, afraid you might fail, coward, stop loving, afraid of the heartbreaks, coward, stop living, afraid of death, coward,

“I’m a mess” you declare proudly, well, of course you are, an antagonist to your own muse, your own self, what joy does it give you? masochist! you take so much shit, pretend to give none, live in an illusion, let others live in the same, engage yourself in never-happening reveries, bleed in self-pity, cough up blood and disappointment, mix up your drink with despair and distress, forgive, for once in your life, forgive yourself, and them all, go on, you can do well without a  dramatic closure itself, be meaningful, be mean, love, betray, stop talking to the walls, staring at strangers, learn to live, revolt, refuse, breathe, Okay? breathe, let go of loveless lads, no, don’t adore ’em all, accept, don’t expect, breathe, you deserve to live as much as everyone, shed your masks- all of em, for once, go for another approach, breathe, don’t hide, live true to what you want to be, leave when you have to, but make the best while you are in there, insanity shall never perish, don’t begin to explain, don’t be there where you are not respected, breathe, let them be angry, you be free, go on, now, do all  you wish to, dance, who cares what they say, don’t abide by your own rules, want, need, ask for it, fight, love, live, breathe,
Breathe you coward, breathe..




2 thoughts on “an explanation

  1. I remember these feelings šŸ˜Š It’s amazing how we get through those stages of wondering how we will ever grow past the rut we’re in. The ending to this is very powerful. I enjoyed reading šŸ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

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