to you, may you live well

//To you, my high-school crush, i dedicate thee this segment for the hour, and let my mind depart from its usual thought process to your soul, and try to tell what i feel, a weak decision, i know, for you do not even read my blog, but hey, that’s what we cowards do.


We need to talk.

There are a few things I need to tell you about, a few feelings i should rather confess, a few emotions i feel i should stop bottling up now it’s starting to hurt, a few things i would like to clear, and a few metaphors i would like to offer.
okay, so, here goes,
I think what i am trying to say here is that i kinda like(d) you as a person. I love(d) the way your eyes sparkled when you would talk about things that interest you, or the way you always had the courage to go on, or how you were lousy at baseball, or literature, or art. I love(d) your expressions evidently torn between disapproval and curiosity while i began with yet another of my never-ending rants or read aloud my segments on why i never liked mathematics. And let me tell you this, I do not allow myself to feel this way. I know, i know, it is all perfectly normal and everything, but not for me dear, I do not allow myself to let feelings as love penetrate my soul. And at times it just feels crazy, feels like just spilling it all out, and it the anxiousness increases when your ‘online’ changes to ‘typing’ and there we just sit, having  a perfectly normal conversation about useless stuff, and then i sometimes, think, of some other things, but let’s shut those thoughts for another story, shall we?
And so yet, here i am. Typing my heart out whens’t i should be either sleeping or studying, about things that could have been, could have happened, years ago. Maybe it’s a result of my isolation from social norms and gatherings or probably just a result of adolescent agonies, which i have to face till i reach twenty by age. Or probably i just miss being a people-person,   or  feel a dire need to be along people or what, I do not know, i find it difficult to comprehend, difficult to accept, difficult to talk about, difficult to think about, and I do not know, okay? i do not know. And it sometimes kills me how we humans find it so difficult to just accept the truth, let it all out and go with the flow rather than swallowing up all our emotions and being unhappy forever, And i preach the exact opposite, for I do, i do preach ‘living like tomorrow doesn’t exist’, for ‘better now then never’, but what should i do, How do we tell people what we feel, and it’s not about you, it’s about so many of people out there, not only in my little universe, but everywhere out there, i mean, why do we insist on making things so complicated, and it is all so complex, there is so much in the mind, so much it sits upon your head, so much it makes you feel suffocated, so much you cannot breathe, and yet, yet i will choose to remain silent,
And this is what i wish to tell you, I still choose silence.
Be my muse, let me pretend you to be a figment of my imagination,  let me talk of the landscapes, the birds, the sky blue, the buildings, the parks, the immigrants, the demons, but never, let me talk of love,

I deny to show any signs of affection.

I deny you, us.

Forgive me if it might hurt you in any way.
I wish you happiness, for you deserve it, i wish you a better world out there than the one i know it to be, i wish for you nights where you don’t feel insomniac or sleepless or anxious or doubtful, i wish you a life without all the drama or the tension or the nervousness, or the need to be accepted, or appreciated, i wish for you somebody who cares about you and has similar interests, maybe as much in web designing as you are in, maybe a fan of your favorite series, may you meet the somebody in the most unexpected of times, may you have the ‘sweep off the feet’ moment, the happy ending, the last laugh, the best life, the endings i so ardently watch on all these fantasy movies, may yours come true as well.
I have no fear losing you, but probably more fears in case i  win you, But i want you to live, and so i leave you free.

Stay well, won’t you?

And go easy on those potato chips.




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