a realization

Of late,
I have been losing control over the self,
over words, over emotions, Over anger, over anxiety and agony,
Of late, I find myself mean(er),
Rude, if possible, even  more,
Tired, filled up, Done for, Done with,
Enough.”

Of late,
I find myself wondering more, caring less,
Find myself incapable, Unworthy, insufficient, Useless, Pointless,
Unwanted.

Of late,
I find myself fighting more, and suffering a little more than that,
For the sin of not giving up on what I believe in,
I find myself more cynical, if possible,
which takes away my night’s sleep, if possible,
thinking of not the long lost loved ones or everyday worries,
But the skies. the stars. the seas.
Of late, I find myself more and more dependent on cold-play to fix my soul,
On the art(ists) to mend the injuries,
Find the general longing to be around hoomans, fading away,
Find the usual fear of loneliness, diminishing,
perhaps i AM a bad person.i say.”

Find myself drawn to the oceans so blue,
the mountains so majestic,
The cities so distant,
To places unknown,
To people ignorant,

I smile in spite of myself,
Starve the soul, sometimes,
Of food, people, thoughts and excuses,
Try being a masochist, as i realize i keep making the same mistakes over and over,
Giving the chances, hurting, getting hurt, over and over, again and again,

The words still bleed of detrimental meanings,
The someones cry of/for unrequited love,
The darkness engulfs over the horror within,
The artist realizes,
With the heart writ in musings,
Refusing to give in,

The writer writes on.

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