Understanding

9 AM: You are yelling at me,
Again.
Calling me names,
Pointing out my follies,
Trying to mock,
Turning to guilt.

9 PM: We’re both back from work,
Unsatisfying, monotonous jobs, essential for survival,
Time for a family dinner.
You do not ask me to pass the salt,
I need not be told to get the spoons,

With a silent understanding in between,
You turn your gaze to your everyday Television-series,
I breathe easily at the ceiling,

We sweep of the dust of our loneliness under the rug,
Play along to our illusion of perfection,
Simply gulp down our dinner in silence.

I understand

You need not apologize for your unaccounted absences, need not confess the uncomfortable emotions, need not explain the unsimplified expressions,
As long as i am feeling, instances of rage, asserting disappointment, encouraging optimism, articulating sarcasm, stating silence,
we are okay
I have loved you and i always will, despite (everything),
It is okay,
I have been there,

i know,
I understand.

Subject

I’ve been a subject of disappointments, delusions and despondence, dozens of incomplete expressions, unsaid emotions,
You specify a no-nonsense aura,figures of reality,manifestation of metaphors,glorification of ecstacy,
You don’t want me to sing the songs of a battered heart, or play the tunes of a warrior, want to live oblivious to the struggles of a persistent soul,
Instead,you want the light in the dark, the euphoria, the jubilation,the contentment,you want us to hide our fears and sadness and dance with you in your realm of happy endings,

My dear sir,
you begin your lecture by stating the purpose of life to be happiness, are deeply uninterested in those drowning in despair,
should i believe my life has neither a purpose nor a reason? Am i going to be part of nothingness before i can part,i don’t expect an answer,no,don’t want you preaching again,
I think, i’m just going to drop your subject.

Elucidation

Why have you left like this, or is it me,
I realise i haven’t been sane lately,
Afraid of more heartbreaks, scared of getting hurt,angry, insolent,dependent, stern,
There’s this thing, loneliness it calls itself,
It’s taken over my soul,has made itself home,With silence and rage,i’ve been a bit difficult,
This whole phase,it is killing me,
I must apologise,for i’m just a human, I bleed sorrow,i reek of despair,
But you see, it is the most uncomfortable thing to do,
Probably insane too, but i must tell you tis,my dear,
I’ve been missing you.

virtual realities

A couple of promotional mails,
Dozens of notifications from games you do not play anymore,
The Store urging you to update your social networks,
Calls for spamming, Or dialed, but not directed to you,
Insolent tweets over insignificant topics,
Little memos of dozens of colorful hearts,

As it vibrates,
I switch back to the real world hurriedly, hoping,
With desperate eyes,a genuine smile,
I cross my fingers, click refresh,
No handful of expressions,
No words for emotions,
Frown as i switch off,

You have received no new messages.

little things

Just one of those things, Just one of those little certain things that could happen anywhere, anytime, or should I be honest and say, that happens everywhere and all the time, This is just one of those things, One of those moments, One of those phases, that ought to come and go, ought to mark their haunting, almost hurting presence because that is what the course of life is, that is what we have come to, that is what it is, that is just what it is, And as many around me, including me, are constantly implementing and sometimes even saying it to our faces, there are things we just can’t control, things beyond our mortal and moral psyche, things we learn to live with, situations in which we learn to accommodate, learn to breathe in the suffocating surroundings, to compromise, to accept the fate, accept the indifference, the apathy, the ignorance, the pain, the way it comes, whatever that way is.

You might be sitting at a corner seat of a small ice cream parlor  a few blocks away from your place, laughing at a joke one of your friends have just cracked, and you are thinking to yourself, this is the moment, a good one, and I am going to treasure it for always, there are people who are happy, and you can be happy with them, you can smile and giggle and laugh and mock and they won’t mind including you, won’t mind sharing their anecdotes with you, and they won’t mind you chattering away either, There, you are presented with an opportunity, i hope this is enough for you, And all of a sudden, your spoon hits the last of chocolate pieces of your ice-cream sundae, and it’s all back to reality, back to the red colored plastic chairs, the old banana seller outside, the three starred air conditioner, the chaotic noises around the city, the future that awaits, your house, theirs, and the illusion is over. As you get up, it too does, climbs your back as you both walk back to your place, together, in the same, constant state of mess.

It is everywhere, and you realize it all very well, and you are tired of it,  desperate to get away from it , constantly trying to find a way out, from the empty inboxes, empty cupboards, insomniac nights, midnight musings, in the red-eyed, smudged kohl face reflection of your mirror self, the blades dripping red, the pills being taken for nothing and everything, your stronger self that is always so amazing in the face of adversity, always available, always just so optimistic and perfect, but feeling hollow, completely empty inside. It now surrounds the void that fills you up, the void created by all those souls who have left you, all those who keep leaving one by one, those broken promises which as you now realize, have meant a lot, those little things, little actions, things that made you feel wanted, loved, things that don’t allow you to be abandoned, things that make you feel home, probably things that make you feel a bit better,
But you know, as you grow, and you do, You realize that nobody has really got the time to do that, Maybe that’s why they search so desperately for one special someone on whom they can direct all their affection and expectations on, because, of course, who has got the time to keep a check on everybody, it’s simply uncool, uncool, unhappy and pretty depressing, and hence, even as everyone feels the same at one point or the other in their lives, we never talk about it, we never talk about stuff that is basically killing us, reducing us to a bit of lost individuals who do not know when to stop giving, do not know how to give up, we keep going, which becomes our reason for failure, for there exists no such thing as a break or an off-time, you have to and you will, and then you do, that’s all,
And hence,
Even if you are twenty and chilling on netflix or fifteen or learning that mitochondria is the power of the cell at the age of eleven while being constantly told that there is no such thing as magic, or forty and wondering how you have wasted your entire life, or probably, just like me, eighteen and doubtful, nervous, scared and mostly upset about something being amiss as you are being scolded away for stuff like skipping meals which appears totally trivial to you for at this point, you’d rather just starve to nothingness, You know, or have known, or perhaps, one day, i pray it be to be as far as it could be, you’d know, you’d learn how it feels, for the first time in your life, wishing to leave your world of words and books to the one they all sing such great songs about, to breathe in a bit easier, and as you watch the sun sink in after a day’s job, you can proudly say that it doesn’t scare me, doesn’t make me feel sad at all, and i am happy that i have some people i could enjoy tis moment with, and i hope you are not lying as you say that,  For it is this, that might just break you, this loneliness, the silence, the what-not, all those emotions which make you wonder why you even exist, and would it even matter if you just didn’t, and it’s not that they go away, they just, stay, and as I’ve heard from one of my favorite web series, It doesn’t get better, we all have the ability to make it though, but none of us are willing to take the crucial step,
And so,  i stand here, much behind that step, and so does you, reader and so does a million others, stranded on an island of emotions with a volcano of rage ever-ready to burst, surrounded by a sea of disappointments,
And I too, choose to be shallow an d lonely, you know, we all think of creating a difference, we all hope to be a superhero to someone’s story and be the supernatural protagonist in our own fantasies, but we don’t always succeed, do we?

As Vincent van Gogh said when the world became unbearable to him, “La tristesse durera toujours”, he knew what he had gotten into, and probably that bit of cowardice is all that we need in a world where everything is basically garbage, And no matter what everyone says or preaches, he was right, after all,

The sadness will, indeed last forever.

 

Dearth

In blue ticks and dog filters,
I’ve been trying to find a way in,
With emoticons and abbreviations, I’ve been ignoring all i need,
You tell me it’s trivial, all that i have to offer,
That time has lost, this time is now, and this is what we have come to be.
Typing away my sorrows, I wait,
For random calls,heart-wrenching emails, letters of love, messages of hope, poems of passion, hidden meanings behind verses, words dedicated to my soul, All in vain.
The tragedy is not that we are alone, but that we cannot be.
No complications, no connections, there is a dearth of all,
We exist as a bunch of hopeless romantics,
Living in this illusion of hope.