Vibgyor

I love you

Like the shades of a rainbow radiating
In the might of a rain pouring down with a

Passion that could never equate ours,
The violet peeping through my arms you crush with those stubborn shoulders that refuse to give up the touch of my skin striking against yours,
The tinge of indigo in the diary I keep hidden from your omnipresent eyes always wanting to know and see everything that constitutes me and my thoughts,
The blue razor I keep going back to for my bangles don’t clink as well with an absence of fresh scars underneath,
The green light on the other side of the bay, greener than the garden I tend to over-water,
The yellow I do not wear anymore for it hurts your eyes and your ego that forces red roses in my hands and no sunflowers offering a connection to the world or a link to my favorite color of them all,
The orange engraved along with the lines that run on my palms, distorting my destiny, intertwining it with yours as the smell of henna (which, I’m allergic to, by the way) over powers the smell of my sanctity,
The red that drips and goes down the shower drain every single day of the week while you shower me with petals and pillow covers of this shade of inpenetrable red with its interminable trace of your definitions of love,
Where I lose myself in this
Infatuation,
That the auburn of my affection
Is buried in
Your
Brilliance,
And I fade with the drizzle
That nobody
Notices
In the
Darkness
Of
Your rainbow.

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Ache.

Hey
I could invent the formula to treat cancer,
Or find some ways to eradicate child poverty,
I could even be a hero to so many stories and heal everything that’s falling apart,
And I could just be there for people that matter
In nights when the lows are extreme,
Do you not see it fills me up with this feeling,
How much I love loving and caring and feeling needed at times,
Have you not been trying to fill your spaces through me all this time?
I could be smiling at the starry nights, could be sobbing at wastelands or just thinking about castles in general,
But all you’ll see is a heap of broken images,
Choices I made which weren’t feasible to you,
Look I’m sorry (that)
I am not,
But
We don’t get to live our lives through others,
Can you not believe things to be and let me breathe,
Can you not see how you smother me as I sob,
Can you maybe not force me in a phase where I’d have to pretend,
I don’t want that,
I am something, a someone who’s lived a life,
And I get the right to be,
To bring home sunflowers and scream at television series,
To believe in what I want to believe in,
The mistakes would be mine and it’d hurt but I’d be okay,

This is just not fair,
Can you stop asking me who I am when you couldn’t care less,
When all you’d end up doing is fixating upon the light that flickers in me,
I don’t want to be saved
Not by you.
I can manage with my connection to the world being myself,
Do I not get to choose that anymore?
Can you not believe that me hurting doesn’t have anything to do with you or us or anything,

It doesn’t stop me from loving you for all that you are and all that you mean to me.
So

Darling, just,
Don’t,
Don’t pretend to want to know what I feel and what I do
When you’re going to end up advising how to antagonize my agonies,
My lonely anguish melts no heart,
But mine.
Do I not get to decide that?
And can you maybe stop pranking me for once,
Don’t ask me what i think I am or my story,
If you’re going to read me passively and end up choosing the part you focus on,
Assuming and misunderstanding
All that I am and all that I’ll ever be,

You’ll see me as you’d want to see me anyway.

//Everything is falling apart and being alone makes sense.

no more of us

we need to talk

about

those times when things were falling apart,
the nights that numbed our sense,
the infinitude of indifference slowly filling the space
we tried to give each            other,

about

how my hands shiver knowing this to be the moment that i have let go
and how i have lost you, lost us,
foreshadowed by the fragility being apparent,
does it not
hurt?

this maddening absence,
just this feeling we’d have to let go of
like those trains we never took,
Can i not send you a polaroid of this sunset we missed
to you
this morrow,
Do i now succumb to this unpleasent silence
that seems to shatter my words,
my world,
now,

we’ll grow apart, further,
these awkward conversations that’d find their way,
won’t there be questions, ineffable glances, this strangeness in familiarity,
would this be like this then?
no more of anything from everything that used to be,
Would we focus on trashing each other’s memories,
would we lock in this feeling of love in some remote corner, never to feel that again,

we won’t talk anymore.

 

//things falling apart

On trying to let go

I see the veins on your forehead palpitating,

The wrinkles in your smiles diminishing,

Your laughter doesn’t echo in corridors anymore,

Your presence seems more emptying than any of those absences,

I think I understand now,

The way your eyes explore the sea ports streching their way to the town we first met in,

What entices you in that stream of azure,

What you wish at nights from these falling stars,

Honey,

I understand now.

Why your feet hurt the way they do,

I think you know too,

Do not force them to stay who’d rather not,

Let me help you pack your bags,

See you off till the crossroad where we’ll part our ways,

Let the starry night we’ve dreamt under for so long be a witness of our end,

Go guide yourself in thy globetrotting,

I’ll let you go,

I let you go,

Be

Free.

//On forcing goodbyes

On staying and leaving

The longer you’d stay,

The harder it would be, to let you go,

To return all these reveries, all the realizations,

to cut off those strings, so fragile, so familiar,

To bid you goodbye.

Once you realise,

The sadness lurking in my eyes to be immeasurable,

And my scars hideous,

And find your splendid self,

Falling,

Once more for someone who understands you better,

And offers all that I can not,

It would be harder to watch the stars shimmer in the impenetrable infinity of a darkness that would comfort us no more,

Or to pursue those golden sunsets in solidarity again,

I fear those broken pieces I would have to mend in days that would be devoid of you,

The walls that would echo your name,

The void you’d leave,

How would I confront myself, knowing the inevitability of things falling apart,

Yet consciously falling deeper and deeper in this labyrinth of love,

Choosing to trust,

To share my soul for you to judge,

My hands for you to hold,

Calling yourself mine in an impractical innocence.

The longer you’d stay, the harder it would be,

To let you go

And once the time comes,

And you’d leave,

Leaving bridges burning in the flame of the last cigarette we’d share,

The last slice of that pizza in a trash can,

No last look lingering, no longing

No awkward handshakes,

No goodbyes,

Just me and you,

You,

Who’d no longer be mine.

//Written while trying to make sense of things

On loosing

Would this be yet another night then,
When I’d give in to my disappointing desperations,
And think out loud,
In inaudible murmurs,
The incongruity of our little infinities,
Mourning over the losses of those momentous joys they share,
And the sunrise that seems to shadow those sunsets,
Where I’d breathe in again,
This fear of me never being enough,
For anyone to stay.
Where I’d smile at the tears that’d fall,
Masochism mingled with a sense of melancholia,
Would I drown again in the sound of your laughter,
The symphony of those silly love songs we hum to,
Would my hands shiver again in this hour of twilight,
The 11.11 AM wishes echoing one name, just that of you,
These thoughts of losing you,
Smothered in my own sensibilities,
This sense of rationale that takes away the trust.
Honey,
Do we still count those promises to be promises if we never meant to make them?
I know I am to lose you in an array of flickering lights,
Suffocating in an abyss of darkness,
When I’d know, you have left,
But now,
You’re here and everything is very fine,
But won’t the stars have answers,
As the speechlessness voices those apprehensions,
Honey,
Is this the night then,
When I lose you?

//Written while realising that another heartbreak is on its way

2 AM epiphanies

You’ve thrown those drafts in the trash-can again,
Set fire to hundreds of lives you’ve imagined and birthed,
You pick up your running shoes again,
Wanting to not be the one who’s left behind,
Again.
You step over them fallen leaves, crushing the radiance of pieces of a sun that shines for you no more,
Shivering in moonlit nights echoing of evanescence of your existence,
In a piercing irony, you complain to the wind that blows,
About the indifference of all that breathe around you,
How you sob under the shade of starless nights,
How the world seems to have lost its meaning,
How it gets tiring, every breath that you take,
That drop of red seems fascinating, those tracks around your place, enticing,
You keep chanting how nothing really matters like a mantra that keeps you sane,
And if it doesn’t,
Then why don’t you risk it all,
Open your eyes to see what you wish to,
And do what you want to.
Darling,
I see you keep your shoes again,
Nothing really matters and yet you seem to find a way back somehow,
I hear the rhythm of a typewriter again,
And the bittersweet fragrance of coffee,
Nothing really matters you say,
I hope you realise this one day,
That all you’re doing,
Is lying.