Silence.

But there’s this silence,
It has the strength,
To suffocate,
To silence,
To say everything,

See there’s happy facades, all those words that nobody means, all those worlds that do not exist, all that that never was, would never be, see there’s truth, hiding away behind illuminated lies,
See there’s affliction, affectionate and alive,
See there’s sadness, see how it sighs,
In the midst of a lonely ruin, it slowly cries,
And,There’s thy soul, sobbing no more,
It has surrendered at last,
Alas, silence has silenced.

Advertisements

i’ll listen

But, my dear, do you even know? have you ever put yourself out like that , made yourself that vulnerable, do you even know, how much that pains, the disappointments, the decisions, the lies, the hollowness, a vacuum inside thy heart, a screaming silence surrounds thy soul, and it feels that things will never be good again, and there’s abandonment, and silence, emptiness, and silence, the empty inboxes, the ‘no new messages’, the dim-lit rooms, the forbidden thoughts, the unending moments of nausea and nostalgia, and as you are puking your heart out, there are tears, tears of desperation, tears of loneliness, tears of hopelessness, tears of a person who’s giving in slowly, breaking down, bit by bit, moment by moment, person by person, tear by tear,
So, Do you even know? How that feels,  you become numb, nothing moves you, for you are so much done already you do not know how much can you take anymore, how much can the soul take, where do those limits end, when does the mind just burst away, take you with it, and be done with it,
just be done with it,
Get it over with,
For once, for all.

Yet you complain, my dear, that i do not talk, do not share, what do you want to know, i wonder, what exactly, is it, that  would put some relief in your ears,

Would it be if i tell you the lesser known tale of nineteenth October, two thousand and ten, do you know what happened that day? no,? Well, that’d be the day i lost my faith in probably a dozen things existing in the world, but you know what happens to hurt me the most, how i never got to say goodbye, you want to know how i found a man i knew and loved dead and cold lying on my terrace, how being twelve and dumb, i did not realize what had happened, and in my fear and desperation, i, i threw some water over his corpse, do you want to know how i screamed and shouted in horror as i realised what had happened, how it was never going to be the same again, how his voice was lost, for ever, and it seemed so weird, so unreal, so ruthless, i did not know what to do, and i remember as i ran downstairs for help, i was not crying, i had to be strong, just for then, i remember telling myself, it’ll be alright, bad things do not happen to good people, it is not what you are thinking it is,
I did not cry when the people from the hospital declared he was dead, did not cry when i saw people who i knew and loved breaking down in the middle of a normal, beautiful October day,  I was allowed to break down when they took him away, and his blue eyes and white hair are the only thing i remember now,  i never got to know his story, never lived enough with him, never talked enough, and now, when it’s been five years and i remember nothing but the beautiful October day of that year, I do not know what to do, It’s all in the past, that’s what they’ll tell me, I realise that,  well, spoiler alert,
It still hurts,

Would you like to know a similar kind of thing happened this summer too? I was younger before, younger and stupid, I was older now, older, aware, and yes, of course, stupid, and this time too, there was a human lying in front of my eyes, another someone i know, i love, not breathing, you know how that feels? i hope you don’t, i hope nobody has to feel that way, it hurts, and this time too, there was a hospital, and there was waiting, and i remember something i thought in the emergency department of the hospital, the patient is indeed the most relaxed out of all, for the unconsciousness protects him/her from the waiting, the wondering, the fear,
This time too, they told me, how brave i had been, how strong a soul they find me,
See, everybody asked if i was doing fine, i was, of course,
But fine isn’t exactly fine, not with me, at least,
But of course,
How would they know,

Would you like to know of the endless discussions i have with people who wish to see my awkward face every single day, who try and force me to stay for ever, who promise me forever and always, and lately, i have begun to realise the futility of these promises, these words we tell each others to calm each others down, but what’s even the use,
Would we ever win the tale against time, if it were possible, if it were to make us immortal then it would have been saying something but since it doesn’t, it doesn’t make sense, or, well, maybe it does, but it just makes it sadder, word by word,
How do you propose me to stay, i do not have anything left, not anymore, it has never felt home and i doubt it ever will, what would i even do then, you’ll leave when you get bored anyway, what will i do then,

And every time you accuse me of sadness, of despair, of overthinking, you push me away into silence, The thoughts i do have would never stop, they are limitless. and i would rather have them that way,
But every time you force me to find a way out to your happiness, you yourself build back a barrier,

I mean, it makes sense to me, you do not want me ruining your happy days or life or memories, and it is okay, i won’t, i would never, But, then, you do not need to send my way all those lies and promises if you do not even mean them, It is okay,
really it is,

I’m now known to talk less, anyway,

you tell me what you wish to talk about, I’ll be here,
I’ll lock away my lonely words and beaten up reveries, paint a smile,

and when i’ll sit with you,

I swear, I will sit earnestly,
I’ll be there,

wherever you’d want me to be, I’ll know,
I’ll know, I’ll understand,

slowly, but eventually,

whenever you want,

wherever you need,

whatever you need to vent about, anything at all,

i’ll be here,

I’ll listen.

Is it 

I’m now a home to swooping vultures, innocent fawns,unhappy predators,
There sighs sadness, there lies thy lies,

Your promises are packing,going back home, there’s a cold sky, colder moon, and a blurring array of flashing lights, they obstruct my vision,
But there’s chaos,there’s loud voices, echoing indecipherable, words i cannot hear, a tune of melancholy,
And there is silence,
A heart humming,in the midst, sometimes, goodbye
This is it, then,
But i’m still breathing, inhaling, exhaling, inhaling,
Is it but a dream ?

So it goes

What if i sneeze my secrets away, or stutter about all that that i dream about, all which i don’t think out loud, the essence, the meaning, the perspectives to stuff beyond me, my words do not equate to my soul, not all the time,i steal phrases, sometimes emotions, i take my tears, turn them into pieces of art, this insecurity in that poem, that incident in that prose, and yet,
So much is lost, in the bridge where fiction ends and i begin, that sometimes i forget, what i am is not what i preach, what i preach is not what i believe in, what i am, i find hard to believe,
And so it goes,
You find it weird,i guess,”you used to talk so much, what happened”, you might have forgotten, i was a human then, i am a writer now, i lie, hide, conceal, i find it hard to share,
Anything, everything,
Tell me your story, go on, i’ll listen,
But i can talk no more,
Words will be enough, but neither you, nor me, a morrow won’t do justice to discuss all that had been,
And, we, busy beings, can’t have another day, anyway,
And so it goes,
You talk, i listen
I write,
And listen to the unending remarks,
“Why don’t you talk anymore?”,
And nod silently.

For so it goes;

Beneath the lies

These tears are fresh, real, innocent, and full of longing,
They do not understand the ways of the world, the triumphant tales of time, the incessant wondering, the hopeless waiting, the needful wants,
always the wants,

Broken,sometimes bleeding, we refuse to heal, let go, let in, break down the barriers, build more walls, everywhere, all the time

An abandoned star, lonely on its expedition, from daylight to darkness, holding back, probably just accepting,
The unrequited fate,

Why are forevers not ever enough?

Fictitious things

Dearest

I do not know how to begin, this is the first time I am referring to you, first time my muse comes from the time before my adolescent phases, my dear, I must apologize, I do not think a lot about you, it’s been a long time,but every nineteenth of this month, I whisper birthday wishes in the september breeze, hoping and believing they’ll reach you,
Maybe they do.

Do you remember me ?

You taught me in middle school, you taught me what a kind and nurturing presence can do to kids, and while others were busy thinking they were too cool for the world with the most weird possible combinations of hair styles, bathing in dozens of perfumes, the overly bold lip glosses, being too young for lip colors, trying so hard, so hard all the time to grow up, to show they were ready to adult, to be, you forced me into a world of words and numbers and chemicals, and all that was pure and innocent in the world,

You’d smile at me every time I entered, and so did many others, god, they were such happy times, such love, such pure, innocent affection, which never asked for anything in return, such happy times with sour candies and awestruck eyes filled with wonder and amazement and what not,

It’s been approximately eight years and sometimes I think about you and those times and I wonder to myself

How did it all go so wrong so quickly and how did I never realise where it was all going, how come I never realised I was drowning until it was too late, I was too late to be saved, rescued, and now it’s just a never-ending ocean and I’m trying to keep struggling to swim, swimming to stay put, exist, 

How do you live with yourself,

Knowing what you know, all the hatred, disgust, problems with no solutions, the misunderstandings, 

How do you live with yourself,

Knowing things are never going to be the same again, knowing things are never going to be, anything, that it’s just going to suck for a while, that this is it, life, and how is it that nobody ever teaches us how to survive in this world following Darwin like madmen, I’m not the fittest, am I not going to survive at all,

How do you live with yourself,

Clinging on to the tiny thread of hope, longing, wanting, feeling, breaking down, bit by bit, irrevocably, waiting, wanting, needing, needing, needing,

Tell me this,

How do you live with yourself,

How do you,

Live,

At all ?

I mean, what’s even there to, 

It’s all so trivial,

All the things we pretend our important to us, mark it off in our bucket lists, waiting, crossing off, doing stuff, 

Watch the northern lights, o, how does it help, how does getting a dog helps either, or learning a new language,

Nobody’s there to listen anyway, why waste words,

Why waste all that struggle to survive in this world at all,

It’d be better off anyway,

Won’t it ?

Dear,

You wouldn’t recognise me if you see me tomorrow, or any day,

You wouldn’t recognise me, not anymore,

I’ve become indifferent to the world, I do not care anymore, I am just staying put, not hoping anymore, just waiting, waiting for the tide to come my way, and when it does, for of course it will, I’ll probably be the happiest,

But now,

I’ve realised something,

You wouldn’t care either, would you?

Nobody does, it’s not in human blood to do that, 

Probably,

That’s why I find myself incapable of the same too, 

Teacher,
I’m clinging on, my dear,

Just like you told me to,

But not to hope anymore,
Happy birthday, I’ll whisper to the winds again, 

And that is where I end and I begin,

Another me,

Another story,

Perhaps,

I’m giving in,

Adulting,
No hagrid knocking down the door, no wandering around , no longing for the deathly hallows,

Not anymore,

None
Nothing

Silence 

11 PM thoughts

I’ve been revisiting the old school, hoping to get some insight,some clues as to where it all went wrong, so quickly,

A melancholic sigh and an unacceptable reality, i fail to understand, how hard could it be to let it go, let it be,

The deciduos is not there anymore, no more music lessons outside, no hiding or seeking around,
As i turn around the corner, devour what is no more self’s,

They’ve cut down the stem and the soul,
There is no more of me left,
Not here,
Nowhere,
Not anymore.