little things

Just one of those things, Just one of those little certain things that could happen anywhere, anytime, or should I be honest and say, that happens everywhere and all the time, This is just one of those things, One of those moments, One of those phases, that ought to come and go, ought to mark their haunting, almost hurting presence because that is what the course of life is, that is what we have come to, that is what it is, that is just what it is, And as many around me, including me, are constantly implementing and sometimes even saying it to our faces, there are things we just can’t control, things beyond our mortal and moral psyche, things we learn to live with, situations in which we learn to accommodate, learn to breathe in the suffocating surroundings, to compromise, to accept the fate, accept the indifference, the apathy, the ignorance, the pain, the way it comes, whatever that way is.

You might be sitting at a corner seat of a small ice cream parlor  a few blocks away from your place, laughing at a joke one of your friends have just cracked, and you are thinking to yourself, this is the moment, a good one, and I am going to treasure it for always, there are people who are happy, and you can be happy with them, you can smile and giggle and laugh and mock and they won’t mind including you, won’t mind sharing their anecdotes with you, and they won’t mind you chattering away either, There, you are presented with an opportunity, i hope this is enough for you, And all of a sudden, your spoon hits the last of chocolate pieces of your ice-cream sundae, and it’s all back to reality, back to the red colored plastic chairs, the old banana seller outside, the three starred air conditioner, the chaotic noises around the city, the future that awaits, your house, theirs, and the illusion is over. As you get up, it too does, climbs your back as you both walk back to your place, together, in the same, constant state of mess.

It is everywhere, and you realize it all very well, and you are tired of it,  desperate to get away from it , constantly trying to find a way out, from the empty inboxes, empty cupboards, insomniac nights, midnight musings, in the red-eyed, smudged kohl face reflection of your mirror self, the blades dripping red, the pills being taken for nothing and everything, your stronger self that is always so amazing in the face of adversity, always available, always just so optimistic and perfect, but feeling hollow, completely empty inside. It now surrounds the void that fills you up, the void created by all those souls who have left you, all those who keep leaving one by one, those broken promises which as you now realize, have meant a lot, those little things, little actions, things that made you feel wanted, loved, things that don’t allow you to be abandoned, things that make you feel home, probably things that make you feel a bit better,
But you know, as you grow, and you do, You realize that nobody has really got the time to do that, Maybe that’s why they search so desperately for one special someone on whom they can direct all their affection and expectations on, because, of course, who has got the time to keep a check on everybody, it’s simply uncool, uncool, unhappy and pretty depressing, and hence, even as everyone feels the same at one point or the other in their lives, we never talk about it, we never talk about stuff that is basically killing us, reducing us to a bit of lost individuals who do not know when to stop giving, do not know how to give up, we keep going, which becomes our reason for failure, for there exists no such thing as a break or an off-time, you have to and you will, and then you do, that’s all,
And hence,
Even if you are twenty and chilling on netflix or fifteen or learning that mitochondria is the power of the cell at the age of eleven while being constantly told that there is no such thing as magic, or forty and wondering how you have wasted your entire life, or probably, just like me, eighteen and doubtful, nervous, scared and mostly upset about something being amiss as you are being scolded away for stuff like skipping meals which appears totally trivial to you for at this point, you’d rather just starve to nothingness, You know, or have known, or perhaps, one day, i pray it be to be as far as it could be, you’d know, you’d learn how it feels, for the first time in your life, wishing to leave your world of words and books to the one they all sing such great songs about, to breathe in a bit easier, and as you watch the sun sink in after a day’s job, you can proudly say that it doesn’t scare me, doesn’t make me feel sad at all, and i am happy that i have some people i could enjoy tis moment with, and i hope you are not lying as you say that,  For it is this, that might just break you, this loneliness, the silence, the what-not, all those emotions which make you wonder why you even exist, and would it even matter if you just didn’t, and it’s not that they go away, they just, stay, and as I’ve heard from one of my favorite web series, It doesn’t get better, we all have the ability to make it though, but none of us are willing to take the crucial step,
And so,  i stand here, much behind that step, and so does you, reader and so does a million others, stranded on an island of emotions with a volcano of rage ever-ready to burst, surrounded by a sea of disappointments,
And I too, choose to be shallow an d lonely, you know, we all think of creating a difference, we all hope to be a superhero to someone’s story and be the supernatural protagonist in our own fantasies, but we don’t always succeed, do we?

As Vincent van Gogh said when the world became unbearable to him, “La tristesse durera toujours”, he knew what he had gotten into, and probably that bit of cowardice is all that we need in a world where everything is basically garbage, And no matter what everyone says or preaches, he was right, after all,

The sadness will, indeed last forever.

 

To thee, my owner

Dear owner,

I’m grey and black and tragedy all inside. I have around 300 pages in all, which includes the introduction, the text, the references, the acknowledgements, the preface and all those titles you humans like to add on to the original write-up in order to understand it better. I’ve been with you for a good time, seen you laugh till you cry, seen you cry till you laugh, seen you cut your hair, seen you rub your eyes too much to do the redness away, seen you sneak in ice creams and friends, seen you read, and write, and open that laptop and stare at the screen for hours, thinking who-knows-what, I’ve seen you dancing to the beats of artists you pretend to dislike, read articles of those you constantly curse and frowning slightly of their indifferent and unjust attitude, I find you proud, excessively proud of what you are, who you are, what you do and the way you do it, I find you ambitious with a pinch of love, I see a sense of anticipation mixed with amusement in your eyes, and i sense regret and fears, And all these times while i sit in the cupboard in the farthest of the corners with a couple more of those who haven’t as yet tasted the joys of your affection. I see Hamlet looking anxiously every time you open the cupboard, hoping, waiting. I, myself stare enviously at those books whose texture itself you devour so longingly, pieces of fiction, voicing of facades and deceptions, unreal, Oh, the shame, losing to such pieces. I do not really realize what makes you go to them, they are just books too, like me, and i do not see them coming to your rescue while your mother is mocking you to tears.
Well, of course, i did not come either, but, why should I alone suffer the loneliness.

I know you have a certain sense of respect for me. But how come that’s all you have to offer, You read me first since i am a part of your curriculum, and once again since you wished to pay respect to the greatest bard of all times, But what about me, you owner?
I’ve seen you crying your eyes out over the incessant anticipations people have from you, and about the thousand ones you have yourself, But i cannot stop myself you owner, After all, i too am the embodiment of an almost broken soul, with words made eternal, versatile verses all filled with human intentions, emotions, characters, how can you expect  me to not complain when i am having my heart broken to a soul like you.  But you do not care now, do you?  You are tired, aren’t you owner? Tired of everything? Tired of being told off, tired of being told that you have changed even as you have not, tired of being told off for growing up even as it is not your fault, it is time that is triumphant always, and if fellas like Ozymandias could not win over it, how do you expect an eighteen year old to do that?, tired of them all bickering, I know owner, I know, And yet, I see you, See you breaking down every night, see you waking up a mess, yet you try and stay kind.I see you being misunderstood, stranded at a sea of silence,waiting, but, they do not ever give in,of course, they see what pleases them, even as it is miles away from reality, and you do not try to make them think otherwise cause quoting from your favorite books: ” i don’t want to play more. It only makes you care more, and the more you care, the more you have to lose,” I see you skip meals, I see you defend yourself, I see you hide what you feel, I see how hard you try to push aside the pangs of despondence, I see what a big deal you make out of happiness, see that big grin spreading over your face over an unexpected message or a mail( of course, there aren’t many these days), and as people compliment over your looks, you do not know what to do, you nod politely, upset over being judged on the basis of looks, I see you jump around everywhere when genuine words are offered to you, i see you repeating them to yourself all the time, and then, there comes a time, when i observe that spark leaving your eyes, when you begin thinking about the person, realizing how long it has been since you have embraced them, how long since you listened to the voice of their laugh, their words, the way they talk, everything, and i see you drowning, yet again.
Those fictitious monsters somehow do cheer you up. You have stacked them on my right hand side, (and yet you never seem to notice me), and you just pick up a random book and start reading at a random page, and somehow, you always know where exactly is the monster taking you for i see in your eyes form the image and you getting lost in it. I have sometimes scanned through your diaries and might i add you really do write well.
Pity, Pity.
I will never get to be your muse, now shall I ? You write about those you care about (obviously me not being one of them), you write about love, and people, sometimes.

You might be a little flustered and a bit curious as of why i do not talk in the language of my glorious times, But i know, thou shals’t ne ‘nderstand it. And i have evolved over time, Maybe one day you will too.

I know i do not prove to be an ideal hero, i killed the king for starting, But you always do find an essential goodness in us all, don’t you?
Maybe one day you’ll give me that chance as well?
Read me with the same affections you give to that book thief and that madman named harry potter someday, perhaps?

Till then,

I wait.
Yours

Macbeth

(Bottom corner, left side, the second row)

to you, may you live well

//To you, my high-school crush, i dedicate thee this segment for the hour, and let my mind depart from its usual thought process to your soul, and try to tell what i feel, a weak decision, i know, for you do not even read my blog, but hey, that’s what we cowards do.

MY DEAR,

We need to talk.

There are a few things I need to tell you about, a few feelings i should rather confess, a few emotions i feel i should stop bottling up now it’s starting to hurt, a few things i would like to clear, and a few metaphors i would like to offer.
okay, so, here goes,
I think what i am trying to say here is that i kinda like(d) you as a person. I love(d) the way your eyes sparkled when you would talk about things that interest you, or the way you always had the courage to go on, or how you were lousy at baseball, or literature, or art. I love(d) your expressions evidently torn between disapproval and curiosity while i began with yet another of my never-ending rants or read aloud my segments on why i never liked mathematics. And let me tell you this, I do not allow myself to feel this way. I know, i know, it is all perfectly normal and everything, but not for me dear, I do not allow myself to let feelings as love penetrate my soul. And at times it just feels crazy, feels like just spilling it all out, and it the anxiousness increases when your ‘online’ changes to ‘typing’ and there we just sit, having  a perfectly normal conversation about useless stuff, and then i sometimes, think, of some other things, but let’s shut those thoughts for another story, shall we?
And so yet, here i am. Typing my heart out whens’t i should be either sleeping or studying, about things that could have been, could have happened, years ago. Maybe it’s a result of my isolation from social norms and gatherings or probably just a result of adolescent agonies, which i have to face till i reach twenty by age. Or probably i just miss being a people-person,   or  feel a dire need to be along people or what, I do not know, i find it difficult to comprehend, difficult to accept, difficult to talk about, difficult to think about, and I do not know, okay? i do not know. And it sometimes kills me how we humans find it so difficult to just accept the truth, let it all out and go with the flow rather than swallowing up all our emotions and being unhappy forever, And i preach the exact opposite, for I do, i do preach ‘living like tomorrow doesn’t exist’, for ‘better now then never’, but what should i do, How do we tell people what we feel, and it’s not about you, it’s about so many of people out there, not only in my little universe, but everywhere out there, i mean, why do we insist on making things so complicated, and it is all so complex, there is so much in the mind, so much it sits upon your head, so much it makes you feel suffocated, so much you cannot breathe, and yet, yet i will choose to remain silent,
And this is what i wish to tell you, I still choose silence.
Be my muse, let me pretend you to be a figment of my imagination,  let me talk of the landscapes, the birds, the sky blue, the buildings, the parks, the immigrants, the demons, but never, let me talk of love,

I deny to show any signs of affection.

I deny you, us.

Forgive me if it might hurt you in any way.
I wish you happiness, for you deserve it, i wish you a better world out there than the one i know it to be, i wish for you nights where you don’t feel insomniac or sleepless or anxious or doubtful, i wish you a life without all the drama or the tension or the nervousness, or the need to be accepted, or appreciated, i wish for you somebody who cares about you and has similar interests, maybe as much in web designing as you are in, maybe a fan of your favorite series, may you meet the somebody in the most unexpected of times, may you have the ‘sweep off the feet’ moment, the happy ending, the last laugh, the best life, the endings i so ardently watch on all these fantasy movies, may yours come true as well.
I have no fear losing you, but probably more fears in case i  win you, But i want you to live, and so i leave you free.

Stay well, won’t you?

And go easy on those potato chips.

Yours

nobody.