Again

You’re speechless, silent, you suffer,.   you’ll not share, not tell me, not make me understand, you treat me in an inexplicable manner, wordless, with worthless verses,   I still wait, wonder, ponder over the possibilities, think, miss, stay quiet cause you don’t want to listen to my rantings over and over, don’t want my pessimism to shatter your happy days, you think it’s okay, don’t you? Force me to think the same, push me away, let me suffocate, kill me, there, push me further, build your walls back, why would I care, right?

You are wrong in ways you can’t even imagine, but I’ll not say, for it matters not to you, not anymore anyway, I’ll accept my fate quietly with some pills and sleepless nights, visions and reveries, all combined, to move further to an unending misery, to stop, and I know now, took me long enough, yet I realize this now,.

That If, we’ll ever cross paths again,I’ll turn,

Just to see you walk away,

Again.

Note to self

For,
Breeding endless pointless expectations,
Clinging on to every single heartbreak,
Supporting dozens of those facades,
Distancing thyself from all that you love,
Destroying everything that has ever mattered,
Remembering past traumas all the time every day,
Blindfolding thyself to the metaphors of the world,
Closing your ears to the songs of the rain,
Being ignorant to all those secrets of the universe,
Annihilating yours hopes, murdering your soul,
I forgive you.

I think,
It’s time,

To let go,
To move on,
To forgive, forget,
To stop punishing thyself,
To accept,
And better yet, to expect,

I think you are ready now,
To hurt,
To heal,
To live,
To die,

And love,
All over again.

Home

In a new city, with people ignorant, with unfamiliar faces, unspoken verses, unknown crossroads, 

The caged birds here too, sings of the same melancholy, of the eternal bliss of freedom, the stars shine with the same luminance, the euphoria at doing away the darkness,

I’ll find souls who know not my stories, and I’ll search for your face in every one that I meet, unwillingly listen to every voice that is not yours, carry out projects without you, gaze at smiles that are not yours, hear laughs which aren’t yours, ardently I’ll long, desperately I’ll miss, persistently, I’ll deny. But the heart will know, like always,

I’ll make myself home, in this city strange, both sinful and saint, entertain myself with the bright walls and the pale monuments, the flowers from spring, the leaves from autumn, I’ll wait yet,

Won’t you come home soon ? 

Okay. 

Unexplained expressions,

Untold distortions,

Unbearable expectations, 

… So much left unsaid … So much left unheard … 

Yet I will manage a smile, wipe my tears and go on, you’ve taught me well, my love, helped me grow, adulterate, left me with no other options, 

I’ll tap on backspace thrice, deep breath in,

Out. Type the word I hate the most, but yet, 

“Okay.”

Okay?

In,

Unsaid expressions,

Unrequited emotions,

Unfelt experiences,

I have learnt,

Not to give up too easily, to be vulnerable, to let the self break for how will you know who fixes you if it doesn’t,

To surrender, to breathe, to devour,

Learnt, accepted, endured,

I think it’s okay, now,

Not being okay.

To them, i love

I still care a great deal,
(Still wondering where i went wrong)
My eyes still search for you everywhere,
(Of course, you are nowhere to be found),

What i feel(felt) for you remains unrequited,
Maybe it did mean something (in the past),
Maybe it didn’t, who knows (I do),
You have taken control, Decided to leave,
If that pleases you, then be it,
Leave, For that’s what your heart desires.

(I shall still ponder over the letters and words you sent to me in a distant past,  was it all real, i fail to understand, still care like a lunatic that i am, but be it, I choose this)

Leave, please,
Stop hurting already.
( I shall of course, wait)
I let you go, Be free.

 

A want

She ardently apologises,

Of no fault of her own,

He coldly confesses,

Of a love so warm,

Reminding thee of roles,yours, theirs, 

Everybodys,

With their eyes glistening with the guilts of the past,

The finger fluttering with the uncertainties of the future,

The mind moaning of the opportunities taken away

Engaged in everyday endeavors,

The monotonous mornings,

The sameness of the sunsets,

The simplicity of the days of our lives,

The ordinary days(despite those extraordinary dreams)

.

Waiting,wondering,wanting.

For someone to see the spark in our eyes, 

The way we do something, the way we undo it, 

Ways of talking, walking,

Longing to be compared to the infitude of the universes,

To have the face that launch’d a thousand ships,

Or the story written among legends,

.

O, 

The complications, the lies, 

The compromises, the facades

We all want to be somebody’s muse, don’t we?