The last musing

Tonight,
I’m sad.
Tonight,
I feel lonely.
My hands slipped in pursuit of yours,
There,
Where you no longer are.
I got to witness the happiest shade of white when we rambled on and roamed around, did I ever tell you that?
With you,
I felt the desperation in my soul taking the best of me, urging me to move away from those agonising anxieties.
And now,
As I imagine you being mesmerized by the beauty of those starry nights, lost in the song of some Nightingale that sings in a distance the tunes of tranquility,
Stroking the petals of daisies drenched in golden hues falling tenderly in that hour of twilight,
That the substantiality of your surrounds overshadows my incorporeality,
That you cannot hear the ethereal echoes alluding to our times over these hushed whispers about the screaming sinners.
In one of these impassioned nights like these, we allowed our souls to spill stories we had kept hidden inside for centuries, do you remember that?
We howled in inaudible murmers, about passions for poetry, hunger for freedom, the craving for being a part of something bigger than ourselves, expressed out fears about those forevers that flicker, wondering aloud if it was love that would fill this ceaseless abundance of nothingness.
And now,
As I find myself falling in that very abyss of emptiness,
The gap between my fingers seem interminable,
Your presence impalpable,
These tears that tear me apart vaporize and I wonder,
If at least they’ll find their way to you through the West wind,
If not my words or my love.
Tonight,
I feel lonely, and your absence seems inexplicable.
I know not how to survive this dearth that seems to remain,
I can only imagine you revelling over some reverie, over some ephemeral eclipse, as blossoms blood and fireflies glide in that stillness.
If my words reach you a little too late,
Please know,
That my despondence felt desperate,
Apprehensive at these anticipations,
That it wanted nothing but to be held and reminded of our promises, of us, craved for the touch of your hand against mine.
Know that you were the last dream of my soul,
And my last musing,
And muse.

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Shelters

It just feels like,
I’m hiding in the shadows,
Sitting under the shelter of my blue study table,
Wishing for the wishing stars,
Wishing for you,
And I hear voices, all around,
It seems like the whole world is on fire,
And it looks like I forgot to lock the doors, the window panes are shattered, already,
And the device is draining,
And this room is devoid of electricity, of water, of everything
But
This devastatingly enormous void,
Which even fear cannot fill,
They’re burning all we’ve ever loved, all we’ve ever been,

All, to ashes,
And I’m frozen here,
With fear,
Anxious in agitation,
Annoyed at my own apprehensions,
How would you call me?
And would you, even ?
If your voice is locked up in this fearful night,
That has no ends,
No dawn awaiting our arrival,
.
Securing myself into seclusion,
This screaming solitude,
The inferno echoes,
Burns with these passions that nobody cares about,
As everyone just runs and runs,
Trying to add a few more moments in their lives,
Pleading guilty, pleading helplessness,
Howling for help,
.
Trembling in these terrors,
I don’t know my way out,
And it becomes harder to breathe, every second,
But I promised you that I’d survive,
I don’t know how to,
I don’t want to,

Another explosion,

Where are you?

No more reasons why.

So,
I guess all I want to say is,
That the next time,
You get an unexpected text,
Or an unanticipated call,
Or any abrupt attempts in making acquaintances,
Maybe not leave your device ringing.
Maybe not leave the person hanging,
Maybe,
Maybe listen, and not just hear the words that they say,
Find just a little time from your everyday marathons, and maybe decipher the actuality in their smiles,
Not everyone is strong enough to fight all of their battles on their own,
Pay a little heed to those times when they say, ‘.. I wish I had told you that..’
Just let them be,
When they say they feel this drowsing numbness in their bones, and that they feel that they cannot do it anymore,
Maybe revert to those emails or those postcards,
And maybe, some day,
Reply to that text,
There’s never too late to try and save a life.

And some people, they just measure their lives in coffee spoons and sugar cubes,
And they might be okay with those dozens of cups of coffee that turns cold,
While they wait,
Waiting for you to show up.
But honey,
There’s a chance that when the sun sets,
And they dim the lights to this cafe,
Asking them to step out of their comfort zone,
And stagger their way down the road,
And just go home,
There’s a high chance,
That,
They don’t have any home to go back to,
And now,
With no place to wait, no escape,
They might have nowhere to go,
None,
At all.

Apologies.

Label me heartless
For my heart hath been broken,
Irrevocably, insensitive to every thing that has ever been,
Label me speechless,
For my voice has been modified, taken for granted, as I counted my words, cautious of verses, of every syllable that I spill,
Because misunderstanding is a trend trending nowadays,
Label me hopeless,
For I see no ray of light in the radiating sunbeams, no peace of mind, no home, no reason, nowhere,
Label me guilty,
For I find myself imprisoned in my own inhibitions, my own battles, wars they don’t find worth fighting, seeking my own treasure, only it’s not there,
It’s nowhere,
Label me selfish,
For I found a moment of laughter to myself, for I didn’t get back to you after you made it clear, over and over again that you have kicked me out of our enterprise of togetherness already,
Label me harmful,
As you found a way to love me despite my monstrosity, my demonic grin bringing you some sort of pleasure, coercing you into chaos that I am,
And finding nothing enchanting in my sinister self but bricks, infinite walls of solitude and guilt, of broken beliefs and shattered dreams, of emptiness, nothingness,
And you going round and round, trying to search for places in my soul worth loving, worth your mighty metaphors, your self,
Label me apologetic,
For the numbing nothingness that screams in my soul,
Echoing of emptiness, eternal sadness, unsettling emotions, infinite rhetorics of inevitability, of transient transition, dropping daylight, of this dreadful dearth, this nothingness, nothingness.
Label me human,
With my follies, my faults, my facades,
Label me lost,
Forgive me for being a sinner,
For being me,
Forgive me
For being. 🍂

Stay, please.

Stay with me,
This one more time.
Even When the voices inside your head scream out too loud, and your anxieties crawl out for another apocalypse,
And you begin to find a tinge of blue in red roses and not a speck of Hope in a cloudless sky,
Shrieking of sorrows, when the shooting stars begin to tell you stories of annihilation, when the souls stay put, and people become people,
Blind as they are, ignorant to your agonies, your insecurities, as they keep anticipating you to stay happy and fine, not wanting to deal with anything that brings you down, because,
They don’t believe sadness to be real,
Darling,
Please, listen,
Stay with me,
Even as you sob silently, hugging pillows and old tee-shirts,
Because there’s not one being left to hug,
And every time you are in that bathroom at two in the morning,
Holding razors with shades of blue and pink and all colors rainbow,
Thinking of a thousand ways of painting it all red,
Darling,
Don’t,
Look at that being in the mirror,
The same reflection that enrages you, reminding you of all the good and bad times of the past,
As the day that hasn’t dawned as yet disappoints you already,
As you want time to freeze and your self to not exist,
Not anymore,
Because it is all too hard, too much, too heavy for you to take,
This burden, of being,
As you’re expected to stay ecstatic and glow of goodness and portray positivity,
Replying for the nth time, the same lies about being okay,
Being judged for not being understanding enough, for not paying enough attention,
But how would you? If your mind is occupied already, if it is already set to find its peace in obscurity,
If it has gotten numb already,
If you don’t find a need for painkillers or tranquilizers anymore,
As things fall apart, and the process of fusing back your armour feels redundant,
Well, everything does,
Monotony turning melancholic, as they tell you ‘it’s alright, over and over again, all of it’, knowing nothing,
It’s tiring,
I know.
And call me selfish, please do, but I need you to stay put,
Take all of me if you want,
But,
Stay with me,
Hold on, don’t quit on me already,
I’m not ready for deducted headcounts, for photographed memories, for lost voices,
Stay with me.
Would you, please?
Don’t break the unbreakable, don’t leave, not now, not ever,
Don’t end already,
Stay put, I’m here,
I’m here to stay, do you understand that, you douche?
And every time that thought it enters your mind, just call me up, any freaking time, say nothing I’ll understand, I’ll come, right away, with caramel popcorns, I know you love them,
I’ll stay, not talk much, if that’s what you want, and hug me, if you want to, hit me, if that brings you pleasure, but stay,
Stay because we can work this out,
Stay because we can live,
Stay because we are worth it, stay because I deserve you, stay because you’re worth it,
Worth the world,
Stay even as the cosmos collapses and you are on your knees, stay even as darkness dawns, even as your radiance flickers, as the world goes up, and you go down,
Let it not tear us apart, let it not end us,
I love you, I’m so in love with everything that you are and everything that you’ll ever be,
Know that,
Remember that,
Loosen up that knot,
Let it not devour your being, we’re more than this,
Let my metaphors be with you, let me be with you,
Stay, this time honey,
Let me peep in, just a bit,
Let my hands lock in yours, let me make sure that you don’t leave the field, that you don’t lose this battle,
We’ll fight through this,
I ain’t going anywhere, I promise.

Darling,
Just stay with me,
This one more time,
Just stay.

Forevers.

But do we not still choose to believe in forevers?
Knowing fully well that we are but mortals, subjected to agonies and accidents and all things bound by time, ever running, while we chase it,
Following it in circles,
Begging for moments worth preserving, to freeze those rare grins that spread across the faces of these beings you love the most,
Do we not believe in preserving it all,
I have that song that was playing in my headphones when I saw you for the first time, still marked in my memory, I still hide the withering petals of that red rose in my favorite book,
Why do you keep it all still, If you don’t believe in forevers?
The tissue papers from the restaurants we visit, or those little, very little memoirs of moments in which we have felt like we were on top of some world, being the saviors, being the heroes, being the center of our own little universes,
Do we still not cling to it all?
Knowing it has to end,
And yet,
It doesn’t all really end,
Or does it?
Do we not save it?
Do we not try and preserve it,
Struggling to save what we’ve formed, what we’ve become,
Because it seems worth it, all of it,
Does it not?
My idea of forever,
It doesn’t have me dying with someone’s side on the same bed as they die with me,
It rather has us raising back and haunting people till eternity,
But is eternity a thing either?
My idea of forever is just something that lasts,
Just like that,
No forces being thrust upon,
Effortless silences and words, which are neither awkward nor unpleasant,
Constructing, destructing walls, maybe thousands of them, yet still choosing to stay, because it all feels worth it,
Look,
We all want the world, and we all want to run and stay and fly and drown,
All at the same time,
We want us to be infinite,
Forever,
And
We want us to be infinite for ever, too,
And that’s okay,
And as long as the sun stirs the earth, round and round, and the stars burn bright and the celestials collude forming chaos,
These honks are going to honk and beasts are going to bark and the world,
It shall stay what it is,
With all its garbage and it’s goodness,
And years from now,
Maybe,
I’ll still feel the most comfortable in my four walls, with all lights switched off, maybe I’ll still feel home only at metro stations, the journeys and not the destinations,
And maybe all this while, we’re going to lock our hearts in pursuits of freedom,
From
I don’t even know what,
I guess, it’s just some human tendency that all we want to do is run,
It’s only these epiphanies, I guess,
Where you see the sun setting as you witness these last hugs with promises of forevers again,
Not everyone will mean it,
Not everyone will not mean it either,
And maybe we’ll not get to be ghosts together, maybe you won’t even show up to my first book launch, maybe I’ll drive you crazy to levels of “too much”,
Maybe,
And maybe that is all okay,
Because even as,
That flickering forever,
It’ll be worth it,
No doubt,
Yet
what we have is now,
And as it shimmers in this stardust that spreads across your spellbinding soul,
This now is our forever,
And maybe this forever will stay for ever,
And maybe one of us will die young,
Maybe
Maybe we won’t get to sit together to watch halley’s comet in 2061, maybe we’ll be dead and gone while the survivors would sit and sing on their terrace,
But.
We’ll choose to believe in forevers still,
Trying to fix everything for ever and ever because maybe that’s what humans do,
Maybe, we’ll not stay for ever
And yet stay.
Maybe our forever
It’s meant to be ours,
Some different kind of forever.
Inexplicable,
Unprecedented,
Hopefully
A
Forever
Still.

So, stay.
Stay till this forever lasts,
Stay for
Ever.

//Written in complete exhaustion and desperation, echoes of them farewell blues and flickering forevers.

Days

The days have dawned,

Those times

With

Cheerful curls waiting to be braided, swinging to the sound of that radio back in the kitchen cabinet, quest for similar rubber bands, perfectly trimmed nails, well polished shoes, chasing school buses, dreams, friends with promises of forevers,

Everything flickers,

Now,

The kitchen whispers a screaming silence, whistling cooker and audible sobbing, every single day, tangled mess of hair, searching for a rubber band, in vain, nails painted blue, bruised purple, a thousand unsettling, uncertain thoughts revolving all around,

The nights are ending

The days beginning,

Running in circles at metro stations, with people, without thee self, just running,

Over and over again,

The melancholic monotony,

The chosen chaos,

The days are beginning,

Everything

Has

Changed.

//A very chaotic sort of piece, written half-asleep in the middle of a lecture.