Crack-up

In the midst of the chaotic indictments, accusations to break moral codes, laws, assurances, 
The liabilities to the moonless nights, foggy mornings, starry evenings,
The faults in our stars, the ache in our hearts, the full stops, overdose of painkillers, the shuddering silence, unrequited everything, forced laughter, stupidity of the self, souls who don’t want anything to do with thee,

I don’t know,
If this world,If these words,
Everything we carry on our shoulders,
Ever wanted to be a part of this puzzle,
Was it really meant for us to live in?

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Where am I 

In,
Locked doors, dim-lit rooms, lonely corridors, empty classrooms,
Dark skies, well-stacked libraries, abandoned corners, silent conversations, dubious escapes, broken hearts, ignorance, expectations, struggles of affection,
Formal handshakes, casual hugs, stolen glances, forced smiles, panic attacks, moments of thinking over and over, 
I’ve been trying to find myself,

In the same,

I fear,

I’ve lost myself. 

Silence.

But there’s this silence,
It has the strength,
To suffocate,
To silence,
To say everything,

See there’s happy facades, all those words that nobody means, all those worlds that do not exist, all that that never was, would never be, see there’s truth, hiding away behind illuminated lies,
See there’s affliction, affectionate and alive,
See there’s sadness, see how it sighs,
In the midst of a lonely ruin, it slowly cries,
And,There’s thy soul, sobbing no more,
It has surrendered at last,
Alas, silence has silenced.

Is it 

I’m now a home to swooping vultures, innocent fawns,unhappy predators,
There sighs sadness, there lies thy lies,

Your promises are packing,going back home, there’s a cold sky, colder moon, and a blurring array of flashing lights, they obstruct my vision,
But there’s chaos,there’s loud voices, echoing indecipherable, words i cannot hear, a tune of melancholy,
And there is silence,
A heart humming,in the midst, sometimes, goodbye
This is it, then,
But i’m still breathing, inhaling, exhaling, inhaling,
Is it but a dream ?

Understanding

9 AM: You are yelling at me,
Again.
Calling me names,
Pointing out my follies,
Trying to mock,
Turning to guilt.

9 PM: We’re both back from work,
Unsatisfying, monotonous jobs, essential for survival,
Time for a family dinner.
You do not ask me to pass the salt,
I need not be told to get the spoons,

With a silent understanding in between,
You turn your gaze to your everyday Television-series,
I breathe easily at the ceiling,

We sweep of the dust of our loneliness under the rug,
Play along to our illusion of perfection,
Simply gulp down our dinner in silence.

Subject

I’ve been a subject of disappointments, delusions and despondence, dozens of incomplete expressions, unsaid emotions,
You specify a no-nonsense aura,figures of reality,manifestation of metaphors,glorification of ecstacy,
You don’t want me to sing the songs of a battered heart, or play the tunes of a warrior, want to live oblivious to the struggles of a persistent soul,
Instead,you want the light in the dark, the euphoria, the jubilation,the contentment,you want us to hide our fears and sadness and dance with you in your realm of happy endings,

My dear sir,
you begin your lecture by stating the purpose of life to be happiness, are deeply uninterested in those drowning in despair,
should i believe my life has neither a purpose nor a reason? Am i going to be part of nothingness before i can part,i don’t expect an answer,no,don’t want you preaching again,
I think, i’m just going to drop your subject.

Elucidation

Why have you left like this, or is it me,
I realise i haven’t been sane lately,
Afraid of more heartbreaks, scared of getting hurt,angry, insolent,dependent, stern,
There’s this thing, loneliness it calls itself,
It’s taken over my soul,has made itself home,With silence and rage,i’ve been a bit difficult,
This whole phase,it is killing me,
I must apologise,for i’m just a human, I bleed sorrow,i reek of despair,
But you see, it is the most uncomfortable thing to do,
Probably insane too, but i must tell you tis,my dear,
I’ve been missing you.