So it goes

What if i sneeze my secrets away, or stutter about all that that i dream about, all which i don’t think out loud, the essence, the meaning, the perspectives to stuff beyond me, my words do not equate to my soul, not all the time,i steal phrases, sometimes emotions, i take my tears, turn them into pieces of art, this insecurity in that poem, that incident in that prose, and yet,
So much is lost, in the bridge where fiction ends and i begin, that sometimes i forget, what i am is not what i preach, what i preach is not what i believe in, what i am, i find hard to believe,
And so it goes,
You find it weird,i guess,”you used to talk so much, what happened”, you might have forgotten, i was a human then, i am a writer now, i lie, hide, conceal, i find it hard to share,
Anything, everything,
Tell me your story, go on, i’ll listen,
But i can talk no more,
Words will be enough, but neither you, nor me, a morrow won’t do justice to discuss all that had been,
And, we, busy beings, can’t have another day, anyway,
And so it goes,
You talk, i listen
I write,
And listen to the unending remarks,
“Why don’t you talk anymore?”,
And nod silently.

For so it goes;

Advertisements

Beneath the lies

These tears are fresh, real, innocent, and full of longing,
They do not understand the ways of the world, the triumphant tales of time, the incessant wondering, the hopeless waiting, the needful wants,
always the wants,

Broken,sometimes bleeding, we refuse to heal, let go, let in, break down the barriers, build more walls, everywhere, all the time

An abandoned star, lonely on its expedition, from daylight to darkness, holding back, probably just accepting,
The unrequited fate,

Why are forevers not ever enough?

Fictitious things

Dearest

I do not know how to begin, this is the first time I am referring to you, first time my muse comes from the time before my adolescent phases, my dear, I must apologize, I do not think a lot about you, it’s been a long time,but every nineteenth of this month, I whisper birthday wishes in the september breeze, hoping and believing they’ll reach you,
Maybe they do.

Do you remember me ?

You taught me in middle school, you taught me what a kind and nurturing presence can do to kids, and while others were busy thinking they were too cool for the world with the most weird possible combinations of hair styles, bathing in dozens of perfumes, the overly bold lip glosses, being too young for lip colors, trying so hard, so hard all the time to grow up, to show they were ready to adult, to be, you forced me into a world of words and numbers and chemicals, and all that was pure and innocent in the world,

You’d smile at me every time I entered, and so did many others, god, they were such happy times, such love, such pure, innocent affection, which never asked for anything in return, such happy times with sour candies and awestruck eyes filled with wonder and amazement and what not,

It’s been approximately eight years and sometimes I think about you and those times and I wonder to myself

How did it all go so wrong so quickly and how did I never realise where it was all going, how come I never realised I was drowning until it was too late, I was too late to be saved, rescued, and now it’s just a never-ending ocean and I’m trying to keep struggling to swim, swimming to stay put, exist, 

How do you live with yourself,

Knowing what you know, all the hatred, disgust, problems with no solutions, the misunderstandings, 

How do you live with yourself,

Knowing things are never going to be the same again, knowing things are never going to be, anything, that it’s just going to suck for a while, that this is it, life, and how is it that nobody ever teaches us how to survive in this world following Darwin like madmen, I’m not the fittest, am I not going to survive at all,

How do you live with yourself,

Clinging on to the tiny thread of hope, longing, wanting, feeling, breaking down, bit by bit, irrevocably, waiting, wanting, needing, needing, needing,

Tell me this,

How do you live with yourself,

How do you,

Live,

At all ?

I mean, what’s even there to, 

It’s all so trivial,

All the things we pretend our important to us, mark it off in our bucket lists, waiting, crossing off, doing stuff, 

Watch the northern lights, o, how does it help, how does getting a dog helps either, or learning a new language,

Nobody’s there to listen anyway, why waste words,

Why waste all that struggle to survive in this world at all,

It’d be better off anyway,

Won’t it ?

Dear,

You wouldn’t recognise me if you see me tomorrow, or any day,

You wouldn’t recognise me, not anymore,

I’ve become indifferent to the world, I do not care anymore, I am just staying put, not hoping anymore, just waiting, waiting for the tide to come my way, and when it does, for of course it will, I’ll probably be the happiest,

But now,

I’ve realised something,

You wouldn’t care either, would you?

Nobody does, it’s not in human blood to do that, 

Probably,

That’s why I find myself incapable of the same too, 

Teacher,
I’m clinging on, my dear,

Just like you told me to,

But not to hope anymore,
Happy birthday, I’ll whisper to the winds again, 

And that is where I end and I begin,

Another me,

Another story,

Perhaps,

I’m giving in,

Adulting,
No hagrid knocking down the door, no wandering around , no longing for the deathly hallows,

Not anymore,

None
Nothing

Silence 

11 PM thoughts

I’ve been revisiting the old school, hoping to get some insight,some clues as to where it all went wrong, so quickly,

A melancholic sigh and an unacceptable reality, i fail to understand, how hard could it be to let it go, let it be,

The deciduos is not there anymore, no more music lessons outside, no hiding or seeking around,
As i turn around the corner, devour what is no more self’s,

They’ve cut down the stem and the soul,
There is no more of me left,
Not here,
Nowhere,
Not anymore.

Troubled mind

How is it so hard,
To remember Archimedes,cantos, how to spell the easiest of words, relatives,nobel prize winners, moons of saturn, birthdays, when to take medicines, lyrics, promises, time, year,or remember just to breathe,

Yet somehow, I remember exactly,
The sound of your laugh, the way your eyes shine, how you hide away your tears, your face when you blush, your words, tone, expressions, promises, condolences, fears, the touch of your hand against my soul,

Unaware of the world’s being, i stay put, exist, forget, ignore, yet wander, lost, in your smile, your soul, your love. And more.

This elf quits 

You’re throwing away tantrums, trembling with fear,rage,disgust,
Trying so hard to hide, the disbelief, the disappointments you get from me,
You have a terrible focus,
The pillow you aim for my head hurts my heart, the chosen words inflict their own consequences,
I’m silent in your fury, our reality goes beyond my charms and spells,
You target my soul this time,
Fool you are, as you throw a sock at me, and i catch it, triumphantly,

You’ve succeeded in annhilating the one thread that bonded us together (forever),
I caught it, didn’t i, master,
I am now, free.

Uninspired musings

You’re deeply uninterested,
Oblivious, ignorant,
Uninspired, defending,

My dear, you’ll not understand,
The pain behind my words,
The joy in reading those books,
Essays and texts, that i devour so longingly all that time, avoiding human contact as much as i can,

I am done explaining, expressing, I’ll not pry, not fall in your traps of forced acquaintance in the name of blood relationships,
I’ll let me be, and i’ll let you be,
Let’s not begin a conversation,not try and turn normal all of a sudden,
Let me drown myself in my skies of caffeine, soar around in the infinite universe of language and literature, learn about the power of words till i gain my wings and fly away,
Do not tempt me, do not assume,
And never, never think you can scare me to subversion,
I’m not afraid of you, not anymore,

You do you, family member,
And i’ll do me.