I understand

You need not apologize for your unaccounted absences, need not confess the uncomfortable emotions, need not explain the unsimplified expressions,
As long as i am feeling, instances of rage, asserting disappointment, encouraging optimism, articulating sarcasm, stating silence,
we are okay
I have loved you and i always will, despite (everything),
It is okay,
I have been there,

i know,
I understand.

little things

Just one of those things, Just one of those little certain things that could happen anywhere, anytime, or should I be honest and say, that happens everywhere and all the time, This is just one of those things, One of those moments, One of those phases, that ought to come and go, ought to mark their haunting, almost hurting presence because that is what the course of life is, that is what we have come to, that is what it is, that is just what it is, And as many around me, including me, are constantly implementing and sometimes even saying it to our faces, there are things we just can’t control, things beyond our mortal and moral psyche, things we learn to live with, situations in which we learn to accommodate, learn to breathe in the suffocating surroundings, to compromise, to accept the fate, accept the indifference, the apathy, the ignorance, the pain, the way it comes, whatever that way is.

You might be sitting at a corner seat of a small ice cream parlor  a few blocks away from your place, laughing at a joke one of your friends have just cracked, and you are thinking to yourself, this is the moment, a good one, and I am going to treasure it for always, there are people who are happy, and you can be happy with them, you can smile and giggle and laugh and mock and they won’t mind including you, won’t mind sharing their anecdotes with you, and they won’t mind you chattering away either, There, you are presented with an opportunity, i hope this is enough for you, And all of a sudden, your spoon hits the last of chocolate pieces of your ice-cream sundae, and it’s all back to reality, back to the red colored plastic chairs, the old banana seller outside, the three starred air conditioner, the chaotic noises around the city, the future that awaits, your house, theirs, and the illusion is over. As you get up, it too does, climbs your back as you both walk back to your place, together, in the same, constant state of mess.

It is everywhere, and you realize it all very well, and you are tired of it,  desperate to get away from it , constantly trying to find a way out, from the empty inboxes, empty cupboards, insomniac nights, midnight musings, in the red-eyed, smudged kohl face reflection of your mirror self, the blades dripping red, the pills being taken for nothing and everything, your stronger self that is always so amazing in the face of adversity, always available, always just so optimistic and perfect, but feeling hollow, completely empty inside. It now surrounds the void that fills you up, the void created by all those souls who have left you, all those who keep leaving one by one, those broken promises which as you now realize, have meant a lot, those little things, little actions, things that made you feel wanted, loved, things that don’t allow you to be abandoned, things that make you feel home, probably things that make you feel a bit better,
But you know, as you grow, and you do, You realize that nobody has really got the time to do that, Maybe that’s why they search so desperately for one special someone on whom they can direct all their affection and expectations on, because, of course, who has got the time to keep a check on everybody, it’s simply uncool, uncool, unhappy and pretty depressing, and hence, even as everyone feels the same at one point or the other in their lives, we never talk about it, we never talk about stuff that is basically killing us, reducing us to a bit of lost individuals who do not know when to stop giving, do not know how to give up, we keep going, which becomes our reason for failure, for there exists no such thing as a break or an off-time, you have to and you will, and then you do, that’s all,
And hence,
Even if you are twenty and chilling on netflix or fifteen or learning that mitochondria is the power of the cell at the age of eleven while being constantly told that there is no such thing as magic, or forty and wondering how you have wasted your entire life, or probably, just like me, eighteen and doubtful, nervous, scared and mostly upset about something being amiss as you are being scolded away for stuff like skipping meals which appears totally trivial to you for at this point, you’d rather just starve to nothingness, You know, or have known, or perhaps, one day, i pray it be to be as far as it could be, you’d know, you’d learn how it feels, for the first time in your life, wishing to leave your world of words and books to the one they all sing such great songs about, to breathe in a bit easier, and as you watch the sun sink in after a day’s job, you can proudly say that it doesn’t scare me, doesn’t make me feel sad at all, and i am happy that i have some people i could enjoy tis moment with, and i hope you are not lying as you say that,  For it is this, that might just break you, this loneliness, the silence, the what-not, all those emotions which make you wonder why you even exist, and would it even matter if you just didn’t, and it’s not that they go away, they just, stay, and as I’ve heard from one of my favorite web series, It doesn’t get better, we all have the ability to make it though, but none of us are willing to take the crucial step,
And so,  i stand here, much behind that step, and so does you, reader and so does a million others, stranded on an island of emotions with a volcano of rage ever-ready to burst, surrounded by a sea of disappointments,
And I too, choose to be shallow an d lonely, you know, we all think of creating a difference, we all hope to be a superhero to someone’s story and be the supernatural protagonist in our own fantasies, but we don’t always succeed, do we?

As Vincent van Gogh said when the world became unbearable to him, “La tristesse durera toujours”, he knew what he had gotten into, and probably that bit of cowardice is all that we need in a world where everything is basically garbage, And no matter what everyone says or preaches, he was right, after all,

The sadness will, indeed last forever.

 

To the past lovers and the past lovers in making, I think it’s time we talk

I get down at random metro stations on my way back from work, I sit down and stare at the city-dwellers go on at their usual pace with their everyday works, I look at the clouds and wonder if you are watching them too, I wait for the sunset to come, for the darkness to dawn over this city which reeks of hooman-ness. And while we are at it, I think you should know that I decided a while ago to not think of you, to not get in the same cycle once more, to get over myself, over my silly, stupid expectations, and both our complete disregard to each other’s feelings, the way we have grown apart, the way it does not make sense anymore, the way we don’t make sense, the way the world does not make sense anymore, the way words seem worthless, the way world seems worthless, and so do I, and everything else that exists right now, and how my continuous attempts have just failed completely over and over, and i do not know where I went wrong, and honestly speaking, I had, yes, i had indeed persuaded myself to not care at all, but i just do not realize, do not know why you can not understand it, Why must you keep hurting me this way? Why must you keep breaking my heart into a million pieces, are you waiting for it to shatter completely? Are you waiting for me to annihilate? What is it, love, what is it?

I am tired of making excuses for you, tired of forcing this lie on me that i matter to you, in your life, as much as you do in mine, I am tired of being there only when you need me to be, it was alright before, It really was, it started like that, of course, it did, But, then, i do not know, why would you promise me a forever if you never meant it? What, I wonder, do you get on hurting me over and over,this bad?  As I sit there and listen to another one of yous chatter away incessantly about how i have changed and how i used to be nicer back then, I wonder, why it does not hurt me that bad, why those words as hard as stones not scar my soul? The reason is clear, isn’t it?
You have succeeded.
You have broken it completely, haven’t you? I cannot feel now, cannot see things the way i used to, cannot revel over metaphors and mountains the way i used to, you have broken my soul you see, I do not remember when was the last time i felt happiness, or sadness or anything really, You have changed me into a possessive, arrogant individual who hates herself as much as she hates others,
there, are you happy now?

I (we) had prepared a surprise party for you at my place when you decided not to show up at all (again) and to ditch me and a couple more for god-knows-what reasons (again).

I would have talked to you but you decided to rather give up on me and leave.

I would have replied to your calls, your messages, your mails, but why would I? I never realized and shall never why you thought it would be okay with me for you to leave one day without any reason and then come back a year and a half later pretending nothing ever happened, and now you do nothing but blame me for having changed to a rude, insensitive person, well, excuse me for having some pride?

I would have respected you, you know? But for the past eighteen years you felt it was right for you to ignore me and treat me like a piece of shit who you can bully into doing anything for she doesn’t say anything, How could you blame me now, you turned me into who i am today, i would not apologize for that, And yes, my dear, I would fight you if you ever make fun of me, words cut deep, do you know that? and so does those silences, But why would you know that? you think it’s okay for you to turn the whole fucking place into an unwelcoming environment and still ask me to be happy and help you maintain it, what do you even think I am? But you would never understand that now, would you? You would never even consent to listen, a waste of time, isn’t it? Well, don’t get pissed off if the same happens to you,

I don’t know if i look at you out of fear or out of love, you have never really been there for me, right? You just have always wanted a perfect individual for you, and I am pretty sure it disappoints you to know that i would never be one of them, I do not even have anything to say to you, you know, you stopped mattering a long time ago, and just so you know, those decisions you made for me, I accepted them silently, not out of respect but fear, and probably because I had already given up on the concept of euphoria a long, long while ago, Don’t expect me to talk to you now, my dear, when you haven’t bothered for the past seven years, don’t you expect me to stay with you for ever when you have treated me that way, Don’t even, ever,

You think it would be cool to bully someone and all your other yous would join you and it’d be totally fun and completely harmless to snap out of a person’s self-confidence, you were wrong you know, you were wrong in ways i cannot even express, And i hate myself for forgiving you too easily, But hey, that’s what i do right?

You do know you are almost costing a girl her life because you are afraid to love her, I do not know why you don’t understand that i do not care about the fact that anyone can easily fall for me, it’s you i want and you i have always wanted, and i know, you cannot force someone to love you, but for just this while, i wish i could, I wish i could show you just once the horror inside of me, and you, like those cliche happy-endings would love me in-spite of that, in-spite of everything, and you’d be there, just like many promise to, just like many have promised to, and sometimes I wish, I wonder, I hope, that if that ever happens, you’ll never ever leave me, but would you? the question is out of scope, of course, And you know, you don’t even deserve to be here, for you haven’t been one of them, you are innocent, just like Clay, but, I guess it’s my fault, i cannot stop wondering what it might have been,  but you are no Chandler, you are no Rudy who loves his girl despite everything, you are no Augustus who’d consider it a privilege to have his heart broken by me, Do you, It’s not your fault, i know, it’s mine, and yet,  I’ll try to get over myself, I promise

I never knew you mattered that much, really, but you do, and it sucks now you are not here, it wasn’t your decision to make or was it? But the truth remains, you are not here, and you won’t be, i do not know why i used to think otherwise, but over the past few months, i have learned to become okay with it, now you are just some faces from the picture, we are not close and that’s okay for we never really were, things will be different when you get back, things are different right now too, but you won’t know it now, would you? I can just hope you’ll get accustomed to them all easily,

You say that I am the one who made you believe in forever(s), and yet you break me up, and probably you don’t even know it, you are a bit like me, probably my dear, maybe that’s the fault, or probably you are not, and that’s a bit fallacious too, and probably one day you’ll look at this post and realize that i was talking about you all this time but you’d shrug it all away, won’t you? We both claim to be so close, and we both know the reality too, that’s a bit funny and kinda ironic, don’t you think?

You do realize that you happen to be my most favorite person in the entire world, right? You are the reason i know how heart-breaks can kill you, of the void that fills my heart all this time, And it doesn’t make sense to me that we are not working out, And probably i’d have the most to say to you than them all, for you have always mattered the most, and i guess if i loved you less, i’d be able to write about it more and hence i stop yours over here only, I would just say i am lost, probably a bit lonely too, but mostly lost, and i used to expect you to understand it all, But i don’t, not anymore,

So, here’s to you all, not all of you made this list, or probably i was just generous enough,  or probably you did not matter at all, You have pushed me into this vacuumed realm of nothingness and nihilism, It would be highly appreciated if you could perhaps message me a way out, take responsibility for a change, would you?

PS: For all those wondering if i am writing about them,  I am.

 

Still remembering you all,

not-yours-anymore

a broken soul.