Stay, please.

Stay with me,
This one more time.
Even When the voices inside your head scream out too loud, and your anxieties crawl out for another apocalypse,
And you begin to find a tinge of blue in red roses and not a speck of Hope in a cloudless sky,
Shrieking of sorrows, when the shooting stars begin to tell you stories of annihilation, when the souls stay put, and people become people,
Blind as they are, ignorant to your agonies, your insecurities, as they keep anticipating you to stay happy and fine, not wanting to deal with anything that brings you down, because,
They don’t believe sadness to be real,
Darling,
Please, listen,
Stay with me,
Even as you sob silently, hugging pillows and old tee-shirts,
Because there’s not one being left to hug,
And every time you are in that bathroom at two in the morning,
Holding razors with shades of blue and pink and all colors rainbow,
Thinking of a thousand ways of painting it all red,
Darling,
Don’t,
Look at that being in the mirror,
The same reflection that enrages you, reminding you of all the good and bad times of the past,
As the day that hasn’t dawned as yet disappoints you already,
As you want time to freeze and your self to not exist,
Not anymore,
Because it is all too hard, too much, too heavy for you to take,
This burden, of being,
As you’re expected to stay ecstatic and glow of goodness and portray positivity,
Replying for the nth time, the same lies about being okay,
Being judged for not being understanding enough, for not paying enough attention,
But how would you? If your mind is occupied already, if it is already set to find its peace in obscurity,
If it has gotten numb already,
If you don’t find a need for painkillers or tranquilizers anymore,
As things fall apart, and the process of fusing back your armour feels redundant,
Well, everything does,
Monotony turning melancholic, as they tell you ‘it’s alright, over and over again, all of it’, knowing nothing,
It’s tiring,
I know.
And call me selfish, please do, but I need you to stay put,
Take all of me if you want,
But,
Stay with me,
Hold on, don’t quit on me already,
I’m not ready for deducted headcounts, for photographed memories, for lost voices,
Stay with me.
Would you, please?
Don’t break the unbreakable, don’t leave, not now, not ever,
Don’t end already,
Stay put, I’m here,
I’m here to stay, do you understand that, you douche?
And every time that thought it enters your mind, just call me up, any freaking time, say nothing I’ll understand, I’ll come, right away, with caramel popcorns, I know you love them,
I’ll stay, not talk much, if that’s what you want, and hug me, if you want to, hit me, if that brings you pleasure, but stay,
Stay because we can work this out,
Stay because we can live,
Stay because we are worth it, stay because I deserve you, stay because you’re worth it,
Worth the world,
Stay even as the cosmos collapses and you are on your knees, stay even as darkness dawns, even as your radiance flickers, as the world goes up, and you go down,
Let it not tear us apart, let it not end us,
I love you, I’m so in love with everything that you are and everything that you’ll ever be,
Know that,
Remember that,
Loosen up that knot,
Let it not devour your being, we’re more than this,
Let my metaphors be with you, let me be with you,
Stay, this time honey,
Let me peep in, just a bit,
Let my hands lock in yours, let me make sure that you don’t leave the field, that you don’t lose this battle,
We’ll fight through this,
I ain’t going anywhere, I promise.

Darling,
Just stay with me,
This one more time,
Just stay.

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Forevers.

But do we not still choose to believe in forevers?
Knowing fully well that we are but mortals, subjected to agonies and accidents and all things bound by time, ever running, while we chase it,
Following it in circles,
Begging for moments worth preserving, to freeze those rare grins that spread across the faces of these beings you love the most,
Do we not believe in preserving it all,
I have that song that was playing in my headphones when I saw you for the first time, still marked in my memory, I still hide the withering petals of that red rose in my favorite book,
Why do you keep it all still, If you don’t believe in forevers?
The tissue papers from the restaurants we visit, or those little, very little memoirs of moments in which we have felt like we were on top of some world, being the saviors, being the heroes, being the center of our own little universes,
Do we still not cling to it all?
Knowing it has to end,
And yet,
It doesn’t all really end,
Or does it?
Do we not save it?
Do we not try and preserve it,
Struggling to save what we’ve formed, what we’ve become,
Because it seems worth it, all of it,
Does it not?
My idea of forever,
It doesn’t have me dying with someone’s side on the same bed as they die with me,
It rather has us raising back and haunting people till eternity,
But is eternity a thing either?
My idea of forever is just something that lasts,
Just like that,
No forces being thrust upon,
Effortless silences and words, which are neither awkward nor unpleasant,
Constructing, destructing walls, maybe thousands of them, yet still choosing to stay, because it all feels worth it,
Look,
We all want the world, and we all want to run and stay and fly and drown,
All at the same time,
We want us to be infinite,
Forever,
And
We want us to be infinite for ever, too,
And that’s okay,
And as long as the sun stirs the earth, round and round, and the stars burn bright and the celestials collude forming chaos,
These honks are going to honk and beasts are going to bark and the world,
It shall stay what it is,
With all its garbage and it’s goodness,
And years from now,
Maybe,
I’ll still feel the most comfortable in my four walls, with all lights switched off, maybe I’ll still feel home only at metro stations, the journeys and not the destinations,
And maybe all this while, we’re going to lock our hearts in pursuits of freedom,
From
I don’t even know what,
I guess, it’s just some human tendency that all we want to do is run,
It’s only these epiphanies, I guess,
Where you see the sun setting as you witness these last hugs with promises of forevers again,
Not everyone will mean it,
Not everyone will not mean it either,
And maybe we’ll not get to be ghosts together, maybe you won’t even show up to my first book launch, maybe I’ll drive you crazy to levels of “too much”,
Maybe,
And maybe that is all okay,
Because even as,
That flickering forever,
It’ll be worth it,
No doubt,
Yet
what we have is now,
And as it shimmers in this stardust that spreads across your spellbinding soul,
This now is our forever,
And maybe this forever will stay for ever,
And maybe one of us will die young,
Maybe
Maybe we won’t get to sit together to watch halley’s comet in 2061, maybe we’ll be dead and gone while the survivors would sit and sing on their terrace,
But.
We’ll choose to believe in forevers still,
Trying to fix everything for ever and ever because maybe that’s what humans do,
Maybe, we’ll not stay for ever
And yet stay.
Maybe our forever
It’s meant to be ours,
Some different kind of forever.
Inexplicable,
Unprecedented,
Hopefully
A
Forever
Still.

So, stay.
Stay till this forever lasts,
Stay for
Ever.

//Written in complete exhaustion and desperation, echoes of them farewell blues and flickering forevers.

Days

The days have dawned,

Those times

With

Cheerful curls waiting to be braided, swinging to the sound of that radio back in the kitchen cabinet, quest for similar rubber bands, perfectly trimmed nails, well polished shoes, chasing school buses, dreams, friends with promises of forevers,

Everything flickers,

Now,

The kitchen whispers a screaming silence, whistling cooker and audible sobbing, every single day, tangled mess of hair, searching for a rubber band, in vain, nails painted blue, bruised purple, a thousand unsettling, uncertain thoughts revolving all around,

The nights are ending

The days beginning,

Running in circles at metro stations, with people, without thee self, just running,

Over and over again,

The melancholic monotony,

The chosen chaos,

The days are beginning,

Everything

Has

Changed.

//A very chaotic sort of piece, written half-asleep in the middle of a lecture.

Failed.

Isn’t this is how it always goes?

You shedding tears at the sound of the ceiling fan in the overwhelming darkness of the midnight,

As people have gone to sleep, after telling you exactly what they think of you,

And these seemingly trivial problems are all up in your mind,

And you wish to scream it all out, as days turn into nights which turn into days and it just keeps going on and on because this despair that arises, this dearth, this despondence, it’s eternal, never ending, always increasing,

And you want to feel that rage, feel that anger burning down your breath,. But you don’t, because you don’t feel anger, not anymore anyway,

And

Apparently,

Everyone has some or other problem with you,

As you realise you have no home, nowhere,

And you cannot and don’t even want to say anything because you are not as heartless,

You just want to leave,

Sneak in for some final sleep,

But you’re not allowed that either,

Are you?

So what do you do, dear,

You wipe those tears as they come,

Hugging your forsaken self, you feel this loneliness lurking around every where as this sadness that you are famous for, finds its way back out, again, as this inexplicable wish you have of trying to please everyone finds itself to be failing,

What do you do, dear?

When you don’t know what to do.

Because, everything is fine, and yet everything hurts.

And you’re so exhausted, you just don’t wish to explain, just wanting someone to suck your soul out from your body which doesn’t really deserve all the love and affection it gets, or those anticipations that you find yourself unable to fulfill, or anything, anything at all,

How did this happen?

That nothing in this entire cosmos matters to you,. Not a single thing. It’s all, what does it matter, over and over again, as you think these unthinkable thoughts, you were never this, or were you?

And now,

As those who’ve claimed to be yours are all asleep, locked in these guards they’ve built, in order to protect themselves from you,

And you’re in your room, as your mind wanders on them empty streets, naked, searching for a place called home.

You hate yourself for being your self, for sharing this sadness, for this feeling called love, for everything, everything,

You don’t deserve to be treated this way, you realise that,

And yet, and yet.

They just don’t realise that there is a reason you have curtains all in your room, why the door is always locked, the lights always dim, why you always succumb down to this void of darkness,

And,

You just don’t know where to go,

What to do,

How do you do this,

And everyone seems to know what they want from you,

Every

One

But you,

And you wish to be unpredictable, because you don’t, can’t,

But you can,

Because this is not another heartbreak,

You can get through this,

I mean,

Why not,

Right?

.

This is just another night,

Where everything is fine and yet every hurts.

Know me to know me.

This sunset screams of an ambiguous acquaintance,

The kind we have, or claim to have, I don’t know,

Spilled in the sky are these golden azure shades, burning, wildly with passions of these infinite inexplicable emotions that some share,

Do you see it burning,

This very moment,

As it hides its fears, offering a comforting mask, much like you do,

Love, you know it doesn’t work that way.

This silence, is suffocating, and even as I claim that them soaring sparrows are sufficient for this very rare smile that I smile,

Know that it’s a lie.

Don’t promise me wishing stars and cloudless skies, don’t promise me the impossible infinities,

I’m no stranger to them realms that reality offers, the actualities, the facts, the facades, all of them,

Know this,

Darling,

Know that even as you find me fascinated in the pursuit of golden sunsets, musing upon the non-existing Utopia, the watermelon seeds, the falling leaves,

Know that I’m but a human,

As much vulnerable to heal thee as to harm,

As much prone to healing myself as to hurting,

Know I’m not special,

Know there’s a reason I don’t claim to be a centre of my universe,

Know it doesn’t revolve around you completely, either,

Know we’re normal,

Even as we are an aberration,

Know we are not to end in these uncertainties,

Know I’m willing to risk it all,

For everything,

Everyone,

Know I’m afraid, even as I claim to be fearless, know that i tremble at this mention of word called forevers, know I despise desperation, know I hate to be vulnerable, know I hate to offer my self, my soul, know it has known rejection, know it has known shattering, know it has known breaking apart , know it’s tired, of falling apart,

Know it’s afraid of that morrow when you’ll not find the universe present in my eyes, when my gibberish won’t make sense, when my swishing and flicking that random branch of the tree won’t seem magical to you,

Know it’s afraid you’ll get bored eventually, know it’s afraid of growing, up, and apart,

And please,

Know what’s worthy enough for me,

Know what matters,

Know at the end of those superlative sonnets,

Those epic eulogies, those prolific poems,

I’ll still sit on the same rusty old bench at this station, shaded blue,

Looking at the same people, breathing the same air,

Know I’m not special,

Know I don’t want to be,

Let me know, hence,

If you’re still willing to risk it all,

For a muggle as me,

Who claims to bewitch through the might of her worthless words,

Know that I’m waiting,

Let me know if you’ll show up,

The sun is setting,

Moonbeams peeping through,

I’m beguiled at the shrill voice of silence that echoes all around,

As these trains push me out of my trance,

Know I’m here,

As long as the guard doesn’t break me apart, force me to leave,

Let me know, would you not ?

If you still wish to know me,

And let me know,

Maybe?

If we’ll share this sunset, still.

//Written watching the sun set,at this metro station called Nawada.

Worrying

Darling,
Don’t worry that much,
You criticise yourself for worrying over all the wrong things,
Blaming your priorities for being priorities,
About wanting to have that perfect smudged Kohl look,
or that perfect grade which you don’t like to flaunt,
Or the two cubes of sugar you want in your coffee, neither more nor less,
Trying so hard to make those pyramids of rattling tea cups,
Or to keep your book collection updated,
You worry so much darling, about worrying about all the wrong things,
That,
Somehow,
Every now and then,
When I leave you wondering, I always come back to lost and found, trying to seek you, offering you enticements about eternal ecstasy to tempt you to come back to my desolate doorstep,
This four walled structure, that doesn’t even feel like a structure without your presence,
Darling,
I can live with you abandoning me, I guess.
Don’t do the same to your self, though,
You’re too pure for that,
And trust me,
That that’s okay,
You’re allowed alright?
To think about having a good profile on one of those social networking sites,
Or to judge,
Or to blame some souls for breaking you apart,
And maybe, one of these days,
It’s okay to expect stuff out of people as well,
I know
That,
Every passing second, you add another brick to your wall,
And it’s not chill,

So darling,
Hold on,
Stay,
Don’t worry about those unrequited feelings, those fading faces, them flickering enterprises, stories that never took place, about how it was all meant to be,
Do
Not
Worry,
Not alone,
At least,
Darling,
Hold on,

Let’s worry together.

Many

[3/23, 5:45 PM]: It’s time,
I guess,
That I quit seeking caterpillars in peas,
Poetry in pancakes,
Flowers in concrete pavements,
It’s time I guess,
That I let them bullets break me down,
Abandon it all out, all that made me me,
It’s time I guess,
That I let you out, let myself in,
Take care of the fragmented bits now,
I’m so tired,
I cannot,
Not anymore,
Cannot stress upon anymore the fact that I care,
Cannot let you to force thee upon me,
So you take your shit,
I’ll take mine,
I’m so tired,
You have no idea,
Let’s not,
Please,
Let me,
Live.
[3/26, 10:13 AM] : I wish it was audible,
The silence of a heartbreak,
Again,
If it were,
You wouldn’t have the time to listen to it
You’d be too busy chopping my chaos away,
Marking the scars on my body,
Trying to find places to love,
I’m so exhausted you know,
And you have no idea,
You need to stop forcing me to drown in guilt,
I am sorry,
But it’s not my fault,
Stop blaming me for all that I am,
For fading away
Into nothingness,
What do you expect,
Chop me up,
In as many pieces as you want,
Take those you want,
Spread the rest,
I find it hard to manage my melancholy,
Harder to manage myself,
And you,
And us,
So burn me into ashes,
Take those ashes,
Let me not have any bit of myself left,
Just
Don’t leave me hanging for words,
On read,
Or those very fake okays,

Burn me,
Break me,
Take all that I am,
Just,
Anything that fixes you,
Heals you.
[4/2, 3:14 PM] : How quick are thee,
To change your display picture, or your favorite of them colors, or people,
In general.
Do you know where I am, right now?
What I’m feeling, what’s going on in my mind,
This inexplicable, intangible hurricane of regrets and insecurities, of jealousies and uncertainties,
Over this unsettling inevitability of apparently everything,
Over my too cliche a hair cut,
Or your mental well being,
Standing, still, solitary, in the midst of this station that links shades of blue with shades of yellow,
Watching em all run in circles, over and over, again and again,
They don’t see me,
Or maybe they do,
But they don’t see me,
Darling,
You don’t see me either.
I’m unable to find any solace in them soaring birds, or any rest in this seat in the metro,
Darling,
I’m so exhausted, do you even know?
I’m running out of words,
We’re running out of time,
And yet,
Yet,
Why are we still running,
On this road that leads to nowhere,
Oh wait,
We have different ways trodden,
We’re running,
Away, apparently,
From everything and nothing,
From each other,
For the sake of each other,
Is this how we play it?
This game ?
Feeling pathetic and proud,
Feeling empty and enough,
I don’t know,
I want out,
I don’t,
I don’t,
I don’t know,
Teach me how do we do this?
How do we live ?
What do we prioritize, what do we worry about, what do we muse about, what do we ignore,
How do we live,
Teach me,
Could you?

//You’re looking at someone give up, you’re looking, but it’s too late.