Capisce?

You are,
Dark chocolate, road trips to nowhere and everywhere, music to my ears, moon to a grey sky, calm to my hurricane, cosmos to my galaxies, book shelf, words, verses, pens, blue ticks, Netflix series, reason for an existence, unidentified emotions, hurtful, harmless, an explanation to my insomnia, my over thinking, my laughter, my self,

Evidently, important,
Elixir to life.
Cannot, will not, go on without you,

You, my dear, are in for an always-type deal,
You’re not allowed to leave,
Ever.

Capisce?

Sorry

You do not realize the fears attached, are oblivious to the hidden sorrows, shall never understand the scared eyes scarred as they are, the paranoia inside of me, 

A screaming silence is suffocating,

An unaccounted absence, terrifying,

The ignorance phases are troubling, 

The quiet echoes of the disasters stirring inside, Ready to erupt.

Therefore, It’s not acceptable, not okay, 

To calm the hurricane, just like that ,

It has to get better, 

A single syllable doesn’t stop it all,

Sorry.

Fallen warrior 

With an array of emotions,

Countless instances of disappointments,

Promises made, not meant,

Deals offered, not kept, 

You have broken my soul,bit by bit,

Taken me for granted, took all I have,

You should know this now, I don’t have anything more to give, you don’t give me the time to renew, just keep on, hurting and hurting, all the time,

I’m a fallen warrior now,

I have forgotten, cannot, will not, fall for you again. 

What if

In unsaid expressions, heartfelt emotions, unsent confessions,
I have been falling,
Suffocating, grieving under the weight of my feelings,
I have been falling hard.
In you,  I see Augustus, Bits of Mr. Darcy,
Imagine you to be the Chandler of my life,

I cannot stop. Just cannot.
Clinging on to the unrequited,
Pursuing the paradoxical,
Expecting. Regretting. Wanting.

What if,
It’s you,
Who bewitches my soul,
And what if, it’s not.

I cannot stop loving you, Maybe I don’t want to either,

Would that be okay, then?
What if,
I choose to wait,
And ache.
What if,
After all this time,
I still choose to fall for you.

 

 

 

just why

Just why,
I cannot stop,
Cannot stop worrying,
Cannot stop wondering,
Cannot stop thinking why am I not enough,
When I know I am,
And so are you,

Two broken pieces,
Like a puzzle we complete each other,
Or do we?

Just why,
I cannot stop,
Cannot stop doubting,
Cannot stop hurting,
Cannot stop aching,

Just why,
Is it too hard?
Too complicated?
Too dramatic?
Too much?

Just why,
I cannot stop,
Cannot stop pretending,
Cannot stop being that I am,

Cannot stop seeking,
A speck of light in dilapidated domes,
While I drown in the wicked darkness myself,

Just why,
I have no control,
On body, mind and soul,
To stop,

To live,
To let live,

To love,
To let love.

 

 

Giving in

It’s been a while sine you’ve left,

My stubborn heart has finally agreed to give in,

I’ve been waiting for a long time now,

Tangled in a chaos of expectations and disappointments,

Observing, deciphering wondering where I might have went wrong,

.

It’s time now, I guess,

For me to stop hurting, for you to stop mattering,

I’ll not, won’t, can’t, text or call you again,

I think, it’s time now,

For you to turn from my favorite contacts to people you may know.

Dear Rowling

Dear Rowling,

Around seven years ago when I began with my first book of the series, I did not know that it would completely transform my life, never anticipated that the chosen one would one day become such a huge part of me and my world. I have licked those books one by one, seen those movies over and over, through every dementor-attack, every single heartbreak, every single second of my life, it’s you, and the creations of your extraordinary intellect that has been with me, pushed me to keep going no matter what, reminded me to never let the muggles get me down, and to remember Cedric Diggory whenever I am struck with a choice between what is right and what is easy. I have found a friend, a family, an inspiration, a life, and a reason to exist in the world of Hogwarts, and even with an almost uncontrollable craving to be able to walk through those walls and with the realization of the irrationality of the same, my faith from magic has never wavered, not even once in all these years,

And of course, like many of my fellow readers and appreciators, I have got couple of complaints from you, from the tragic, heart-wrenching story of Lupin to the unexpected death of Hedwig. I shall never forgive you to let one of the twins die, Or the fact that Dennis Creevy never saw his brother live, the fact that Harry and Sirius’ story was so short-lived, And the fact that a person could be incapable to love and miss out on the best feeling of the world, Or the fate of the Longbottom’s, or how the James and Lily never lived to see harry sassing Snape through his ‘There’s no need to call me Sir, Professor.’

But you know the thing that stings me the most Rowling?

It’s how much you have influenced our lives just through the power of a pen and a paper. And, of course, I do not have any surprises there, being an amateur and almost writer myself, but I would still like to know Rowling, How have you done this? And how can we undo this?
You have converted us into a bunch of optimists who live and follow a pessimist’s approach, who refuses to give in, refuses to let anything break our spirits, and it doesn’t always do good my dear,
You have given us the power to be strong for always and beyond that, and you have taught us that it is okay to have problems. Okay to seek out others for help and it’s more than okay to keep fighting the war,

But don’t you think that in the real world where there is no Dumbledore or his army, no Voldemort, no Bellatrix or the Carrows, No real or absolute evilness transferred to a couple of people, for of course  the world is not split in death eaters and good people, and we all are, even as none of us would acknowledge it are a couple of random kids who might one day even find their long-lost Hogwarts letter in the mail, but might never find our part of the golden trios,

A strange darkness intensifies over the world, Rowling, and it feels as if someone has reached down your throat and taken away everything worth living from your heart, it feels as if we will never be happy again, it is not Diggory’s death’s trauma that surrounds us Rowling, But Dumbledore’s. Who do we look up to now Rowling? Who will give us all those lessons, since I for one am certainly not ready to be one for somebody just yet,

We all are broken souls refusing to let the light in anymore, and we have forgotten Rowling, I have forgotten, forgotten what it felt like to run just blindly towards the wall at platform nine and a three quarters, the euphoria and the excitement at trying Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans for the first time, my first night at the  Dormitory, The first time I tried Butterbear, The time we somehow managed to win against a troll, the annoyance at Professor Lockhart, Or the sleepy lectures of History of Magic with professor Binns, I have forgotten how it felt like, to be there, feel the magic for the first time again, the first time I rode a broomstick, the horror that Azkaban offers, the taste of Hagrid’s cooking, riding on a thestral, the pressure of getting a perfect date and outfit for the  yule ball, the triwizard tournament, meeting Luna and being just as sane as her, revolting against Umbridge, Dumbledore leaving us to deal with stuff, losing our godfather, falling in love, losing Dumbledore forever, the hunt for the horcruxes, the final wizarding war, and an enough trouble for a lifetime.

So, I want to ask you this Rowling,

Don’t I deserve to know too? When will Hagrid come knocking my door Rowling? And why, just why don’t these dementors leave Little Whinging already?  I have been chasing cats and owls all my life now, but none seems to be an animagus, none seems to carry the key to my escape from the Dursleys that surround my life,
And you should know this  Rowling, I blame you for whosoever I have turned to today, And I am partially thankful to you for the same too, You should know you have helped me grow as this strong persistent individual Rowling, But there are times when you can live even as they have completely drained life out of you,

Probably I will be a good Inferi someday,
but I know,

I won’t dwell too much on this, I would not forget to live, for I remember Rowling, Help will always be given to those who deserve it, I remember, And I will not forget, I will, never,
Probably I will not be a member of the Marauders or the golden trio, Probably I will not end up with the one I love the most, but I will never stop fighting, for I am not a coward, and  I am not afraid to love, I will not be the one to be pitied upon,

And I will wait, even after all this time, for always and always, and I will be let down over which will break me for I do not have the emotional range of a teaspoon, But I remember our deals Rowling,

I’ll stand up for myself like Neville, And be the best like Hermione, Eat and be contended like Ron, do stuff others can’t even dream like Gred and Forge, dare to be different like luna, not be ashamed of who I am like Lupin, Be the light like Dumbledore, have the nerve like Ginny, And I will not ever give up like Harry.
And like Snape, I will always love you,

I am

hoping to create a better world,

and I will forever be, your grateful,

 

Yours

~Wizard-who-never-got-her-letter