Troubled mind

How is it so hard,
To remember Archimedes,cantos, how to spell the easiest of words, relatives,nobel prize winners, moons of saturn, birthdays, when to take medicines, lyrics, promises, time, year,or remember just to breathe,

Yet somehow, I remember exactly,
The sound of your laugh, the way your eyes shine, how you hide away your tears, your face when you blush, your words, tone, expressions, promises, condolences, fears, the touch of your hand against my soul,

Unaware of the world’s being, i stay put, exist, forget, ignore, yet wander, lost, in your smile, your soul, your love. And more.

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This elf quits 

You’re throwing away tantrums, trembling with fear,rage,disgust,
Trying so hard to hide, the disbelief, the disappointments you get from me,
You have a terrible focus,
The pillow you aim for my head hurts my heart, the chosen words inflict their own consequences,
I’m silent in your fury, our reality goes beyond my charms and spells,
You target my soul this time,
Fool you are, as you throw a sock at me, and i catch it, triumphantly,

You’ve succeeded in annhilating the one thread that bonded us together (forever),
I caught it, didn’t i, master,
I am now, free.

Uninspired musings

You’re deeply uninterested,
Oblivious, ignorant,
Uninspired, defending,

My dear, you’ll not understand,
The pain behind my words,
The joy in reading those books,
Essays and texts, that i devour so longingly all that time, avoiding human contact as much as i can,

I am done explaining, expressing, I’ll not pry, not fall in your traps of forced acquaintance in the name of blood relationships,
I’ll let me be, and i’ll let you be,
Let’s not begin a conversation,not try and turn normal all of a sudden,
Let me drown myself in my skies of caffeine, soar around in the infinite universe of language and literature, learn about the power of words till i gain my wings and fly away,
Do not tempt me, do not assume,
And never, never think you can scare me to subversion,
I’m not afraid of you, not anymore,

You do you, family member,
And i’ll do me.

Stranger things 

Your prank call has me to tears,
Shuddering to your name, stranger,
I am losing my shit,
Who are you, what gives you the right to label me,
You found my contact info somehow,
I see,
But is it necessary,
To flaunt your masculanity,
Attempting a conversation with one you know nothing about,
I am tired, stranger,
You should be too,
Leave me alone, i beg you, let me live,
Don’t scare me,

And know this,
I belong nowhere and everywhere,
But i’m more than this,
More than an ass for you to grab,

Defective vision

How are you so prone to my agonies,
So oblivious to my insecurities, somebody is talking to me,
I cannot listen,
The Voices Inside Out are too loud,
they drown me to despair,
how come you not see,
the disappointed face, the wet eyes,
the terrifying silence,
always,
The Silence.
In my fits of rage and Laughter, you will find instances of sobbing, direct references to the end, stop it all, leave everything nothing,
silence
You just want to hear about what makes me smile, secrets of my soul, muse behind my words,
can you not see me there standing alone ,

Maybe someday you’d break open my walls of Solitude, save me from the self,
look at me

I am dying

September is cancelled

It has come again,that day, it’ll be 8 years this time, and still nothing, no escape, no gingerhead twins coming to save me from this unwanted, destructing existence from number four, privet drive. No rubeus hagrid knocking down my door, no bringing a chocolate cake with green icing saying a happy birthday, no visiting the diagon alley for wands and sugar quills and toads and cats and owls, no letters from a god father running from the law, no memos from the ministry of magic about how to save oneself from inferies, no robe fitting for another year of school, no nervousness for the year we take our OWLS or NEWTS, Nothing, just a silent, chaotic, empty realm which transforms into a void of nothingness, with clouds of despondence and hopelessness swooning all over, 

But it’s like the Hogwarts express has cancelled all over again, and even as there are dementors all over the city, all over the world, nobody is coming to save us, 

NO Fucking body is coming to the rescue, we’re on our own,

Alone,
Hopeless,
Lonely,
And all on our own,

This insatiable belief to get a chance to go to this fictional place does not stop, and as one comes to think about it, the longing to go places increases, and the price one might have to pay for the same comes in mind too,
When will my come time ?
And will it,
Ever ?
The reality is dark and complex and unwanted,
And i’d rather stay in the forbidden forest than here,

The innocent and the pure is lost, happiness long gone, festivities are all cancelled, and it is all but a season of sadness,
The lakes are frozen, the nights are longer, and everybody is fearful, and nobody has anybody,
Not anymore,

I just wish i had some more magic inside of me,

I just wish the time would come for me,
Maybe in another lifetime,
Another chapter,
Another book,
Who knows,
I might too be a piece of fiction,
After all.

Understanding

9 AM: You are yelling at me,
Again.
Calling me names,
Pointing out my follies,
Trying to mock,
Turning to guilt.

9 PM: We’re both back from work,
Unsatisfying, monotonous jobs, essential for survival,
Time for a family dinner.
You do not ask me to pass the salt,
I need not be told to get the spoons,

With a silent understanding in between,
You turn your gaze to your everyday Television-series,
I breathe easily at the ceiling,

We sweep of the dust of our loneliness under the rug,
Play along to our illusion of perfection,
Simply gulp down our dinner in silence.