To thee, my owner

Dear owner,

I’m grey and black and tragedy all inside. I have around 300 pages in all, which includes the introduction, the text, the references, the acknowledgements, the preface and all those titles you humans like to add on to the original write-up in order to understand it better. I’ve been with you for a good time, seen you laugh till you cry, seen you cry till you laugh, seen you cut your hair, seen you rub your eyes too much to do the redness away, seen you sneak in ice creams and friends, seen you read, and write, and open that laptop and stare at the screen for hours, thinking who-knows-what, I’ve seen you dancing to the beats of artists you pretend to dislike, read articles of those you constantly curse and frowning slightly of their indifferent and unjust attitude, I find you proud, excessively proud of what you are, who you are, what you do and the way you do it, I find you ambitious with a pinch of love, I see a sense of anticipation mixed with amusement in your eyes, and i sense regret and fears, And all these times while i sit in the cupboard in the farthest of the corners with a couple more of those who haven’t as yet tasted the joys of your affection. I see Hamlet looking anxiously every time you open the cupboard, hoping, waiting. I, myself stare enviously at those books whose texture itself you devour so longingly, pieces of fiction, voicing of facades and deceptions, unreal, Oh, the shame, losing to such pieces. I do not really realize what makes you go to them, they are just books too, like me, and i do not see them coming to your rescue while your mother is mocking you to tears.
Well, of course, i did not come either, but, why should I alone suffer the loneliness.

I know you have a certain sense of respect for me. But how come that’s all you have to offer, You read me first since i am a part of your curriculum, and once again since you wished to pay respect to the greatest bard of all times, But what about me, you owner?
I’ve seen you crying your eyes out over the incessant anticipations people have from you, and about the thousand ones you have yourself, But i cannot stop myself you owner, After all, i too am the embodiment of an almost broken soul, with words made eternal, versatile verses all filled with human intentions, emotions, characters, how can you expect  me to not complain when i am having my heart broken to a soul like you.  But you do not care now, do you?  You are tired, aren’t you owner? Tired of everything? Tired of being told off, tired of being told that you have changed even as you have not, tired of being told off for growing up even as it is not your fault, it is time that is triumphant always, and if fellas like Ozymandias could not win over it, how do you expect an eighteen year old to do that?, tired of them all bickering, I know owner, I know, And yet, I see you, See you breaking down every night, see you waking up a mess, yet you try and stay kind.I see you being misunderstood, stranded at a sea of silence,waiting, but, they do not ever give in,of course, they see what pleases them, even as it is miles away from reality, and you do not try to make them think otherwise cause quoting from your favorite books: ” i don’t want to play more. It only makes you care more, and the more you care, the more you have to lose,” I see you skip meals, I see you defend yourself, I see you hide what you feel, I see how hard you try to push aside the pangs of despondence, I see what a big deal you make out of happiness, see that big grin spreading over your face over an unexpected message or a mail( of course, there aren’t many these days), and as people compliment over your looks, you do not know what to do, you nod politely, upset over being judged on the basis of looks, I see you jump around everywhere when genuine words are offered to you, i see you repeating them to yourself all the time, and then, there comes a time, when i observe that spark leaving your eyes, when you begin thinking about the person, realizing how long it has been since you have embraced them, how long since you listened to the voice of their laugh, their words, the way they talk, everything, and i see you drowning, yet again.
Those fictitious monsters somehow do cheer you up. You have stacked them on my right hand side, (and yet you never seem to notice me), and you just pick up a random book and start reading at a random page, and somehow, you always know where exactly is the monster taking you for i see in your eyes form the image and you getting lost in it. I have sometimes scanned through your diaries and might i add you really do write well.
Pity, Pity.
I will never get to be your muse, now shall I ? You write about those you care about (obviously me not being one of them), you write about love, and people, sometimes.

You might be a little flustered and a bit curious as of why i do not talk in the language of my glorious times, But i know, thou shals’t ne ‘nderstand it. And i have evolved over time, Maybe one day you will too.

I know i do not prove to be an ideal hero, i killed the king for starting, But you always do find an essential goodness in us all, don’t you?
Maybe one day you’ll give me that chance as well?
Read me with the same affections you give to that book thief and that madman named harry potter someday, perhaps?

Till then,

I wait.
Yours

Macbeth

(Bottom corner, left side, the second row)

A want

She ardently apologises,

Of no fault of her own,

He coldly confesses,

Of a love so warm,

Reminding thee of roles,yours, theirs, 

Everybodys,

With their eyes glistening with the guilts of the past,

The finger fluttering with the uncertainties of the future,

The mind moaning of the opportunities taken away

Engaged in everyday endeavors,

The monotonous mornings,

The sameness of the sunsets,

The simplicity of the days of our lives,

The ordinary days(despite those extraordinary dreams)

.

Waiting,wondering,wanting.

For someone to see the spark in our eyes, 

The way we do something, the way we undo it, 

Ways of talking, walking,

Longing to be compared to the infitude of the universes,

To have the face that launch’d a thousand ships,

Or the story written among legends,

.

O, 

The complications, the lies, 

The compromises, the facades

We all want to be somebody’s muse, don’t we?

a realization

Of late,
I have been losing control over the self,
over words, over emotions, Over anger, over anxiety and agony,
Of late, I find myself mean(er),
Rude, if possible, even  more,
Tired, filled up, Done for, Done with,
Enough.”

Of late,
I find myself wondering more, caring less,
Find myself incapable, Unworthy, insufficient, Useless, Pointless,
Unwanted.

Of late,
I find myself fighting more, and suffering a little more than that,
For the sin of not giving up on what I believe in,
I find myself more cynical, if possible,
which takes away my night’s sleep, if possible,
thinking of not the long lost loved ones or everyday worries,
But the skies. the stars. the seas.
Of late, I find myself more and more dependent on cold-play to fix my soul,
On the art(ists) to mend the injuries,
Find the general longing to be around hoomans, fading away,
Find the usual fear of loneliness, diminishing,
perhaps i AM a bad person.i say.”

Find myself drawn to the oceans so blue,
the mountains so majestic,
The cities so distant,
To places unknown,
To people ignorant,

I smile in spite of myself,
Starve the soul, sometimes,
Of food, people, thoughts and excuses,
Try being a masochist, as i realize i keep making the same mistakes over and over,
Giving the chances, hurting, getting hurt, over and over, again and again,

The words still bleed of detrimental meanings,
The someones cry of/for unrequited love,
The darkness engulfs over the horror within,
The artist realizes,
With the heart writ in musings,
Refusing to give in,

The writer writes on.

unrequited emotions

A perfect stranger,
A perfect friend,
A perfect muse,
A perfect lover,
.
A chaotic universe,
where fair is foul and foul is fair,
Renouncing everyday chores, everyday people, everyday thoughts,
Taking the chance, Giving the time,
Accepting the apology, Wondering over the possibilities,
.
Unending realizations.
Infinite fantasies.
Unreal conversations.
Inexplicable sufferings.
.
In you,
I find my journey,
The sunsets, 3 AM thoughts, destinations, descriptions, Awkwardness, Complications, Songs, Words, Soul.
Devoting the self to fate, I smile,
Indeed,

To love is to lose control.

 

talk.

Running late from work to home,
Darkness engulfs over my town,
including me.
I swipe frantically,
Lost in my own forlorn impressions,
Scroll down, over and over,                                                                                                   rereading the old conversations ( even as i know i shouldn’t).                                                   I wait.
Desperation, I know.
Over-anticipation, I realize,                                                                                                           The heart doesn’t listen, The mind fails to understand,
The soul knows, confesses to itself, wonders, denies.                                                                    .                                                                                                                                                   Another call, Not yours.
A message, Not yours,                                                                                                                         Again.                                                                                                                                                         .
Smiling at the soul’s vulnerability, I hold the thoughts back, the ‘what ifs’, the reminiscences, the doubts, the anger, the fear.
.
Holding the self back, I stare on, emptiness, nothingness.
Blurred images, Ecstatic reveries, Controlled emotions,
Visions of togetherness.
.
the stubborn mind wanders on;
.                                                                                                                                                           “Ask me of my whereabouts, Ask how i’m doing, Pretend to care,call,
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me..”

to you, may you live well

//To you, my high-school crush, i dedicate thee this segment for the hour, and let my mind depart from its usual thought process to your soul, and try to tell what i feel, a weak decision, i know, for you do not even read my blog, but hey, that’s what we cowards do.

MY DEAR,

We need to talk.

There are a few things I need to tell you about, a few feelings i should rather confess, a few emotions i feel i should stop bottling up now it’s starting to hurt, a few things i would like to clear, and a few metaphors i would like to offer.
okay, so, here goes,
I think what i am trying to say here is that i kinda like(d) you as a person. I love(d) the way your eyes sparkled when you would talk about things that interest you, or the way you always had the courage to go on, or how you were lousy at baseball, or literature, or art. I love(d) your expressions evidently torn between disapproval and curiosity while i began with yet another of my never-ending rants or read aloud my segments on why i never liked mathematics. And let me tell you this, I do not allow myself to feel this way. I know, i know, it is all perfectly normal and everything, but not for me dear, I do not allow myself to let feelings as love penetrate my soul. And at times it just feels crazy, feels like just spilling it all out, and it the anxiousness increases when your ‘online’ changes to ‘typing’ and there we just sit, having  a perfectly normal conversation about useless stuff, and then i sometimes, think, of some other things, but let’s shut those thoughts for another story, shall we?
And so yet, here i am. Typing my heart out whens’t i should be either sleeping or studying, about things that could have been, could have happened, years ago. Maybe it’s a result of my isolation from social norms and gatherings or probably just a result of adolescent agonies, which i have to face till i reach twenty by age. Or probably i just miss being a people-person,   or  feel a dire need to be along people or what, I do not know, i find it difficult to comprehend, difficult to accept, difficult to talk about, difficult to think about, and I do not know, okay? i do not know. And it sometimes kills me how we humans find it so difficult to just accept the truth, let it all out and go with the flow rather than swallowing up all our emotions and being unhappy forever, And i preach the exact opposite, for I do, i do preach ‘living like tomorrow doesn’t exist’, for ‘better now then never’, but what should i do, How do we tell people what we feel, and it’s not about you, it’s about so many of people out there, not only in my little universe, but everywhere out there, i mean, why do we insist on making things so complicated, and it is all so complex, there is so much in the mind, so much it sits upon your head, so much it makes you feel suffocated, so much you cannot breathe, and yet, yet i will choose to remain silent,
And this is what i wish to tell you, I still choose silence.
Be my muse, let me pretend you to be a figment of my imagination,  let me talk of the landscapes, the birds, the sky blue, the buildings, the parks, the immigrants, the demons, but never, let me talk of love,

I deny to show any signs of affection.

I deny you, us.

Forgive me if it might hurt you in any way.
I wish you happiness, for you deserve it, i wish you a better world out there than the one i know it to be, i wish for you nights where you don’t feel insomniac or sleepless or anxious or doubtful, i wish you a life without all the drama or the tension or the nervousness, or the need to be accepted, or appreciated, i wish for you somebody who cares about you and has similar interests, maybe as much in web designing as you are in, maybe a fan of your favorite series, may you meet the somebody in the most unexpected of times, may you have the ‘sweep off the feet’ moment, the happy ending, the last laugh, the best life, the endings i so ardently watch on all these fantasy movies, may yours come true as well.
I have no fear losing you, but probably more fears in case i  win you, But i want you to live, and so i leave you free.

Stay well, won’t you?

And go easy on those potato chips.

Yours

nobody.

random piece of shit

i observe the man walking, he beckons me to listen, don’t walk around at this time of the day, says the fifty year old acquaintance, thinks for a minute, ‘beta’,  adds uncertainly, i watch him walk away, then get down to my own business,  thank you for caring sir, thank you very much, but won’t it be nicer to stop teaching me to live in a state of constant fear,   he observes me walking, with a nasty grin on his face, the man who stares at me shamelessly, over and over, for weeks it goes, i stare back one day, with my usual gaze, his eyes finally find another face,  troubles another soul till she locks or hang herself in her room,  I do not need you to drop me home, take your chivalry and get lost, i would not mind paying for the coffee, you want me to carry those bricks? Sure!, just let me keep my phone in the pocket, let’s do it then,

One day a thought springs in my mind, a general wondering, wow, i mutter, there would be so much i would never do because you do not allow it, the clothes i would never wear, or phrases i would never use, or things i would decline to know about , you would see me walking by one day, sitting on your throne of manhood, your masculinity as a crown, surrounded by your goons of asshole-hood, O, I am sorry, am I not allowed to use the term?

You would get it all easy, the new bike, the tickets to the late night concert, money for bars, permissions for outstation trips, you would go out, have fun, fool around, enjoy owing to the continuing customs, all written down in history, while i would sit back, learning to turn a house into a home, My idea of fun would include a tv series to watch, a bucket of popcorn (that would be snatched away, exchanged for a handful of sprouts), ugly christmas sweaters, polka dot pajamas and a bottle of coke,

Someday you would find my joke a little too funny, you would approach me with your ‘Look at these shiny white teeth’ smile, I would not care, too busy in my girl-gang, you would not give in, ask for my hand, the parents would say yes, both get what they desire, too busy to listen what the kid desires, but you want to propose still? Go on, You trick me to the central park, make me stand in between a bush of roses, the thorns would hurt me, but why do you care?, you play the first song that’d have come on google search list, you get down on the knees, your jeans getting dirtier in the open ground, but it does not reek as much as your mindset, look, here’s a diamond ring, what do you say? , a whole life of waking next to me shining my teeth for this diamond ring, seems legit?  I smile, back away, keep a distance from your male ego, you get up, what’s wrong babe,

Babe! Grow up you piece of shit, I still say nothing, back away a little more, shake my head and smile, “he’s the best chance you can get you moron!”,  i hear voices behind, but they are a thing of distant past now,  you would run after me, perhaps, pleading, shouting, screaming words of insult, i still don’t care, stop whining you idiot, what makes you think i care?

Guiltless, regretless, I walk away, with angry mutterings and unending conversations,
Go on! Talk about the stupid girl who kicked her future away, come, try to insult me, what makes you think i won’t smile and strangle you in a second?, do you think me to be non-violent, i have not said a single word in the whole of the story, Not that you care either,  what makes you think i will not boil you with my pasta?

My story ain’t got a voice or a platform, But you ain’t getting it either, i refuse to be an inspiration of any kind, human nature, you moron,  they don’t like something, they move away from it,

” I live, alone, loveless, and away, yet hold a better future than i could ever with you”