I know what you did last night,
I saw you crushing my calm, cheering your chauvinism, I saw them bits of chocolates and broken dreams, bleeding poetry,
All of it,
Thrown into this trash can with your failed relationships and fractured follies, the fault in our sinful stars fragmented, into a multitude of meteors, soaring in circles, much like your monotonous monochrome, dusty dreamcatchers, as you walk around numb to the songs of nestling Nightingales, uninterested in secrets of this universe, just too occupied in blue ticks and faces prettier and beings better than me, wishing to get more,
Unaware or rather, indifferent to my injuries, blind to smudged Kohls and paper cuts on my wrists, sensations to starve the self away, of love, food, compassion, everything, or wait, maybe you are in fact blind, how can I tell,I lost my vision in your brilliant brilliance that binds me to your beasts,
And even as these conversations cycle from dusk to dawn, you stay put, remain apathetic, to my hesitant hopes, irresolute ideas, as I push my prejudices, my pride away, just to please you. why do I do it? how long do you plan to play this game, sorcerer?
but know what, that’s okay, I’ll be okay, have been,pretending to be your victim as I try to sew your self back together, you need not know about this wrecked Havoc my world is right now, or the constituents of my search history, or my conversations with the ceiling fan or things that keep me up at night. I don’t mind you mistaking my silence for tranquility, shouting just to stop you from listening to the sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces and I can help you seek a thousand Splendid Suns even as my Paradise seems a bit lost, can help u soar in Infinitude of this chaotic Cosmos, I can put fire to my delicate dreams and through this fragile fire, my lights shall guide you home, I can help you out of this Labyrinth of sufferings through these books of poetries, words, human hugs, open Windows, ardent affections with this sense of security, be your patronus.
but now as I see you believing in them rumours about my reputation, i see truth fading away giving way to lies, suspicions, unpleasent silences,
And you can throw me too,

in this garbage bin,

with all my goodness, all my ghosts,
You look better now, anyway,
You are healed now,
Do you still need me?


Do you see it too?

Thinking out loud, and along,

With them songs of this night, which is dark and dear, can you hear it too? This piercing voice of the silence that echoes all around,

As I sit on this dusty ground over my terrace, looking up, down, around,



Thinking of them distorting Lego houses, for the sake of buildings, buildings that touch the sky, well, almost, or the last metro of this morrow, with white lights flickering for its final destination,

And this streetlight, radiating in response perhaps to my reveries, or these leaves, not so lonely as them flowers bloom, oh so captivating! They have a visitor now, sometimes even more, this being that has bloomed from a cocoon, who flies every other day, charmed in the beguiled bewitchment of summers,

And as I swing,

Aware of these eyes of nosy neighbours all around, I walk in circles, breathing it in, this wind, savoring in the breath from some other corner of the world, as I breathe, for the sake of breathing, and not just for this process they called respiration,

Them howling dogs, they don’t bark tonight, but roam in a blissful expedition, no more shivering to the mad winter nights of this city,

And my room, it is too tranquil, no more chirping, the birds that lived above the air conditioner have flown away, To unexplored continents, and are soaring perhaps, at this very moment, over the vast blue ocean, shimmering of starry nights, dark and grey, yet infinity iridescent in their own little sphere,

Swaying, watching them shadows of flower pots and leafless branches, rough in their texture, yet smooth in this enrapturing sight I envision right about now, it is beautiful,

This minute moment,

When thoughts of joy and delight enter, them, just them, and I am able to live in this moment,

Which has me transfixed, the tranquility, the simplicity, the relief, this feeling,

Of belonging, of being, a part of this universe
As it notices my little lonely self,

And I look up,

The night is filled tonight, with dozens of stars, visible in these City lights, it’s not a starry night of infinite celestials flickering, but they look beautiful anyway,

I see no shooting stars around, but if I did , I’d wish you to be a witness of the world bestowing upon these wonderful wonders,

Do you have time ?

Can you look away from the televisions and PowerPoint presentations, the everyday endeavors, the walls and the ceiling fans,

Just for one second,

As our heartbeats form an unprecedented symphony, at this very moment, and our selves go against the insurmountable odds, forming this irrevocable eternity,

Can you feel it, the skyline collapsing, these obscure visions of a multitude of feelings, a thousand splendid Suns, millions of ideas and hopes and stars flickering, shades the sky has to offer,

I’m looking at the stars,

Wishing for the wishing star, wishing for you,

Can you see it too?


I missed the sunset today, was it golden or green? I may never know.
I was so busy hushing the monsters inside me that I never realised when they forced me to sleep,
But now, as I woke up to the sound of nothingness echoing in this darkness that doesn’t go away even as I turned the lights on,
I find myself lost.
And this cloudless dark sky I saw from my terrace today, has all these stars, in their infinity and iridescence, yet they don’t flicker, not as much as we do anyway.
And these walls, that wail and reek of this smell of new paint and abandoned hopes, and as I walk around, these blurred visions in my mind kind of complete this puzzle which reminds me just why I never take a leave, from running in circles.
Even as my neon green shoes are tired of running, and so is my bag, tired of them all memoirs in forms of tissue papers and sticky notes and soda cans and chocolate wrappers.
There is this broken emptiness all around,
And I am not even waiting anymore, just thinking,
Where are you?
And even as there is laughter and words just flying around,
I am falling.
How weird is it that I have always imagined home to be a Hogwarts kind of University miles away from this place, or in metro stations and journeys, never caring that whenever I were to reach or to come back, I’d never have a destination, I’d never have a place to go to where my story begin or where it might end, but then, I would. And I wouldn’t either, I shall never know.

And being miles apart, even as I can still feel the voice of your smile, I am not sure, but can you listen to the sound of my sobs, voiceless as they are, and this salty water, that I keep cleaning, hoping to rub off the sadness that comes with it, not realising that that is the other way round.

And the car that honks outside isn’t yours, somebody else’s.

And your dp, isn’t about the times we’ve spent together, it’s with this new girl who’s your friend now, and you are too busy in this new life to even call me about your accidents and anticipations,

Why would you think that I shan’t care?

And I know we all are but travellers, I am not sure if my heart can withstand this, the distance, this demonic distance, and

I can do nothing but run,

Not in circles for a change,

But from my self,

And you,

And this house,

In search of this home,

Which I find in people,

Who are so busy in their own enterprises, that they do not realise when they just leave without goodbye notes and proper hugs,



Me alone to wait.

And wonder,


Where is it?

Knock knock

What shall your sinful spirit do? When triumphant time comes knocking your door, while you are busy in trivial trivialities of Tuesdays and Thursdays, in monotonous Monday mornings, waging a war with Wednesday, wishing, oh! So ardently for the weekend, flabbergasted by them Friday facades, spellbinded in late night drives on Saturdays, senseless in sunday evenings,

Would you be busy?

In dicing vegetables or following television series that nobody cares about, or busy listening to souls, whose wonderful words echo in the noiselessness of nocturnal nights, would you be engrossed in masking your emotions, or would you unveil and present a plethora of confessions, or transfixed in starry nights and golden sunsets, or offended by corrupted chaos of the city you live in, that reeks of this demonic darkness, breaking you apart, all the time.

The inexplicable dejection you get as time goes on, and you have to go on too,

Pack your entire world in two suitcases for the sake of moving,

Leaving school corridors and uniforms for the sake of gaining,

To know more, have more, more and more,


Oh! So hopelessly,

That they shall fill the voids that time leaves as it takes it all away,

Ozymandius obscuring, withering away into worthlessness,

Your body that you love and hate and claim to own, turning into ashes, shall fade away,

And this feeling of love, our mutual connection, will it stay with you?

When I shall be gone,

Would you still remember our magical moments of ephemeral exuberance, when time turns into a hurricane and hits you like a storm?

Tell me, my dear,

What shall you do?

When time takes its toll?

Hammering your hopes,

Defeating you dreams,

Crushing your Canvas,

Inflicting injuries to your infinite insanities,

What shall you do?

When time rings your doorbell, would you blabber or shiver or scream or laugh or cry ?

What would you do, dear?

Would you live in it,

The moment that is here?

Or would you, allow time to torture,

Tell me, hmm?

Would you crush time with your raw emotions, naked nuances and bare soul,

Or would you allow it to crush you,

Into an abyss of nothingness ?

//Written for a competition, 22 February, 2018. Prompt- time.


[17/02, 7:42 AM] :In the still silence of the chiming clock , abyss of the unfriendly, lazy hour of a monotonous morning,
A stale fragrance of yesterdays prevailing in paper classrooms,
A suspicious strangeness peeping through, in familiar, friendly faces,
Are they but just facades, are they faking it
You never know,
But I am ignoring that sinful thought,
Choosing to devour that bittersweet aura of a calming cup of coffee from the college canteen, or as you say it, cafeteria,
The lights don’t flicker in this room,
There’s either light or darkness,
No greys,
No fifty shades,
Makes sense right?
Not to me, it doesn’t,
It doesn’t synchronize with my varied verses, the wavelength of a writer, a passing poet,

So I wait,
For souls who find this order as disorderly, as chaotic as I do,

I am waiting,

Are you coming?

[17/02, 4:48 PM] :Drowning in a flooded array of strangers with stories still unknown to you,
With chocolate milkshake tetra packed to keep your sanity intact,
And time travelling with your lone self,
Two hours of humming to yourself,
Varying verses and spellbinding stanzas of Adams, Swift and Sheeran,
Busying thee self to video and voice calls, connecting, disconnecting in the fragile signals of an Airtel tower,
And the sun shading itself for a Sunday brunch,
A wind not winding anymore, and blabbers no more blabbering,
Leaving two incognito infinite souls to a mystic mystery,
With ingenious ideas and nostalgic nuances swirling in their heads,
The day hasn’t dawned as yet,
The birds are still soaring,
People running around trying to be on their deadlines, on the lines,
To death,
But let a sadness not touch my verse tonight,
I hope you see a golden sunset and the sky being all blue and Violet and all shades of a rainbow,
And let the dying leaves not fall upon you,
And you see a cocoon transforming to a butterfly blooming,

Opposite ends of the crossroads,
Roofs and roadtrips await,
The clock is ticking,

Tis the moment,

Are you going ?

1 AM Nightmare

Inexplicably interconnected with everyday enterprises and monotonous monologues, flickering continually with raging ravages of triumphant time, a war wages, stirs in my vulnerable, raw soul,

I see,

A dear dream turning into a nocturnal nightmare,

With numberless alligators, brutal bears fishes out of water, flying masks,selfish beings soaring, howling wolves ready to choke the life out of me away, forcing me further and further from your calming ambience,

And people turn to animals that turn to humans, and savages as they are, they chase me as I run and run though in vain, stuck in a labyrinth, puzzled by my own perplexed perceptions, I cannot breathe, find no way out, I’m running, what is happening,

I do not understand, as the incessant race forces me to get up and I try and breathe slowly, trying to get what just happened, and everything feels heavy and I try and fix my self,

I am scared and alone, and dogs howl outside and I listen to the clock chiming continuously,

I’ll try again though. I need this sleep to be enough,enough and ecstatic and everything good,

I lie again, though a bit lost, a bit found, but where is your soul , I cannot make that out ,

Hush, soul, silence. Calm down ,

Hush dear night, do not play your games on me tonight, instead sprinkle me with showers of a sound sleep and serendipitous silence.

Oh, lonely night , help me out of the nocturnal nightmare,

I need to get some sleep.

Dearest Ed

Dearest Ed

Maybe you’re right, maybe that’s the way it goes, maybe we find love right where we are as we think out loud, listening to our favorite song, barefoot on the grass in the Lego house near the castle on the hill, keeping this love in a photograph, making these memories for ourselves

As time is still,

Maybe you are right indeed,

I wouldn’t have been curled up in a blanket listening to your sweet, soothing voice echoing in my headphones while my head aches and my body pains of the ongoing crisis of everyday existentialism, if you weren’t,

But even if you aren’t, that’s okay, only words bleed.

Do you know, Ed, I’m scolded almost every single day as I wake up at four in the morning and dance to shape of you to force me to be up and awake and ready for everyone endeavours, and I never realise that I am singing, or rather, shouting along to how I’m in love with your body,

Damn! What do you do to this introverted intellect that is comfortable being herself in her own little world, how do you manage to break my shells merely through your worthy words, your spellbinding symphony and those lovely, lovely lyrics,

Oh, shape of you plays again, I’ll have to focus on that for a while, you know I have to, Be right back,

But as I listen to this song, sometimes, I just find it a bit too perfect to be true, and even as I realise that this is, is indeed the start of something beautiful, I don’t know, it just feels a bit impossible to me that a soul shall not mind our the insane streak of our masked souls, deranged and drowning in a demonic despair, and to just give all they are, putting all their faith, bestow all their trust in another being, just like that, just like you do, in your words, that I just cannot stop thinking out loud about the incongruities and impossibility of a trance, of a reverie, a revelation as perfect as this,

And even as I do believe that people fall in love in mysterious ways, I cannot,

Just cannot stop thinking,

Do our selfish human hearts actually do deserve poems as pure, verses as varied. Words as worthy and love as bewitching, as this,

And I am pretty sure that I’m a mess right now but I think it’s okay,

After all, only words bleed.

And I must tell you this,

It has been All because of you that I have been having such difficulties in finding the one for me, even as we are all but fools in love, there’s nothing as enchanting in any soul as it is in words, and none has been that much of a Neruda as yet to write nuances and saddest lines for me,

I am jealous of the girl you’re going to marry, Sheeran,

Then again, it’s okay

I think,

You find love in all of the stars,in autumn leaves, maybe in that Galway girl who’s busy being unprecedented and loveable dancing in Barcelona, and maybe your A team does lay it all on her, and maybe you see fire in your beloved, and in small bumps, maybe you keep asking her how would you feel if I told you I loved you, telling her that you’re not just friends,

I think,

I find some love in unread letters and anticipations for mails from people who don’t want to or need to talk to me anymore, who have been fixed already, perhaps, and hence don’t talk at all, maybe I search for love in awkward hugs and burnt Manchurian balls and moon lit skies and all things rainbow and grey at the same time. Maybe I find love in the most beautiful of them verses, them people, this world.

Maybe I love the world too much to expect anything out of it, maybe I hate it too much to do the same thing, I am not sure,

I am just thinking out loud, indeed,

But now,

Right now,

As I see you in that dress, I just want to tell you that you are my favorite Weasley. And I am grateful to you for fixing my heart everytime anyone who thought it to be a privilege to have their selves broken by me walked over in silence over the shattered pieces of a broken heart and a vulnerable soul,

And i want to tell you it is you who keeps me sane, you who tells me to go in the battleground over and over again , even as I am hurting both the self and others because I don’t know why, the world just seems worth it, you make me dive, make me happier , give me love

It’s because of you that I find some sense of redemption in my monsters and try to summon some magical moments to learn to love my self, you keep me sane, keep my infinity infinite and I am grateful,

And be blessed, Ed,

Have a life you deserve,

Damn! You deserve, all the happiness, all the hope in this world,

And please, just don’t ever quit this songmaking business,



Happy Birthday, Edward Christopher Sheeran,

Let’s go for a double date someday maybe ?

Or you could just talk to me some blessed morrow when we talk about the horizons melting and the dusk dawning and the world being the world, with constellations and sunrises and rain showers and oceans and mountains and all things perfect,

I know, I fantasise too much for my own good,

But again, I mean, I may be crazy. You need to not mind me,

Keep Edding,


And I’ll fit you inside the necklace I got when I was sixteen, next to my heartbeat where you should be,

(Will) keep you deep within my soul,

Waiting for you to come home,

Even as I know since yesterday everything has changed

Even as I don’t deserve this ,

I’ll keep thinking out loud ,

Who knows,

I might be the someone waiting for you, indeed,

Maybe you’ll listen to my words and tell me if my story is too good to be true ,

I’ll be waiting ,


Antara 💞